Thank you! Thank you!
Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why is it that most of the people who
are against abortion, are people you
wouldn't wanna fuck in the first place, huh?
Boy! These conservatives are really something,
aren't they? They are all in favour of the unborn!
They would do anything for the unborn!
...but once you're born...
You're on your own!
Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus
from conception to nine months...
...after that, they don't wanna know about you!
They don't wanna hear from you! No nothing!
No neo-nato care, no day care, no head start,
no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare,
no nothing!
If you're pre-born, you're fine,
if you're pre-school, you're fucked!
Conservatives don't give a shit about you
until you reach military age!
Then they think you are just fine!
Just what they've been looking for!
Conservatives want live babies...
...so they can raise them to be dead soldiers!
Pro-life! Pro-life!
These people aren't pro-life, they're killing
doctors! What kind of pro-life is that?
Well, they'll do anything they can to save a fetus,
but if it grows up to be a doctor, they just might
have to kill it?
They're not pro-life! You know what they are?
They're anti-woman! Simple as it gets!
Anti-woman!
They don't like women!
They believe a woman's primary role is
to function as a brood mare for the State!
Pro-life! You don't see many of these white, anti-
abortion women volunteering to have any
black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you?
You don't see them adopting a lot of crack babies,
do you? No! That might be something
Christ would do!
And you won't see a lot of these pro-life people
dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting
themselves on fire!
You know, morally-commited
religious people in South Vietnam
knew how to stage a goddam
demonstration, didn't they? Huh?
They knew how to put on a fucking protest!
Light yourself on fire!
Come on! You moral crusaders! Let's see a little
smoke to match that fire in your belly!
Here's another question I have!
How come when it's us, it's an abortion...
And when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?
Are we so much better than chickens all
of a sudden? When did this happen, that
we passed chickens in goodness?
Name six ways we're better than chickens...
See? Nobody can do it!
You know why? 'Cause chickens
are decent people!
You don't see chickens hanging around
in drug gangs, do you?
You don't see a chicken strapping some guy to
a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery,
do you?
When's the last chicken you heard about
came home from work and beat the shit
out of his hen, huh?
Doesn't happen! 'Cause chickens are decent people!
But let's get back to this abortion shit!
Now!
Is a fetus a human being?
This seems to be the central question!
Well, if a fetus is a human being,
how come the census doesn't count them?
If a fetus is a human being, how come when
there's a miscarriage, they don't have a funeral?
If a fetus is a human being, how come people say
"We have two children and one on the way!" instead
of saying: "We have three children!"
People say "Life begins at conception!" I say life
began about a billion years ago and it's a
continuous process!
Continuous! Just keeps rolling along!
Rolling, rolling, rolling along!
And say, you know something?
Listen! You can go back further than that!
What about the carbonatums? Huh?
Human life could not exist
without carbon!
So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't
be burning all this coal?
Just looking for a little consistency here
in these anti-abortion arguments!
You see, the really hardcore people will tell
you life begins at fertilization! Fertilization,
when the sperm fertilizes the egg!
Which is usually a few moments after the man says:
"Gee, honey! I was going to pull out, but the phone
rang and it startled me!"
But even the egg is fertilized, it's still
six or seven days before it reaches the uterus...
...and pregnancy begins, and not every egg
makes it that far...
Eighty per cent of a woman's fertilized eggs
are rinsed and flushed out of her body
once a month, during those delightful
few days she has!
They wind up on sanitary napkins, and
yet they are fertilized eggs!
So basically, what these anti-abortion people
are telling us is that any woman who's had
more than one period is a serial killer!
Consistency! Consistency!
Hey! If they really want to get serious, what about
all the sperm that are wasted when the state
executes a condemned man...?
...and one of these pro-life guys, who's watching,
comes in his pants! Huh?
Here's a guy standing over there, with his jockey
shorts full of little Vinnies and Debbies...
And nobody's saying a word to the guy!
Not every ejaculation deserves a name!
Now! Speaking of consistency!
Catholics... which I was, until I reached
the age of reason...
Catholics, and other Christians, are against
abortion, and they are against homosexuals!
Well, who has less abortions than
homosexuals?
Leave these fucking people alone,
for Christ's sakes!
Here's an entire class of people
guaranteed never to have an abortion!
And the Catholics and Christians are just
tossing them aside! You'd think they'd make
natural allies!
Go look for consistency in religion!
Speaking of my friends, the Catholics...
When John Cardinal O'Connor, of New York, and
some of these cardinals and bishops have
experienced their first pregnancies, and their
first labour pains, and they have raised a couple
of children on a minimum wage...
...then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say
about abortion! I'm sure it'll be interesting!
In the meantime, what they oughta be doing is
telling these priests who talk about chastity to
keep their hands off the altar boys!
Keep your hands to yourself, father!
You know?
When Jesus said "Suffer the little children
come on to me", that's not what he was
talking about!
See, now what I tell to those anti-abortion people,
I say "Hey, hey!"
If you think a fetus is more important than a woman,
try getting a fetus to wash the shitstains on your
underware!
...for no pay and no pension!
I tell them: "Think about abortion as term limits!"
That's all it is! Biological term limits!
But you know? The longer you listen to this
abortion debate, the more you hear this
phrase... "Sanctity of life"
You've heard that! "Sanctity of life"
Do you believe in it? Personally,
I think it's a bunch of shit!
Well, I mean! Life is sacred?
Who said so? God?
Hey, if you read history, you realize that God
is one of the leading causes of death!
Has been for thousands of years!
Hindus, muslims, jews, christians...
All taking turns, killing each other
'cause God told them it was a good idea!
"The sword of God, the blood of the lamb,
vengeance is mine!" Millions of dead
motherfuckers!
Millions of dead motherfuckers all because
they gave the wrong answer to the God
question!
"Do you believe in God?" - "No!"
(Bang) Dead!
"Do you believe in God?" - "Yes!"
"Do you believe in my God?" - "No!"
(Bang) Dead!
My God has a bigger dick
than your God!
Thousands of years!
Thousands of years!
And all the best wars, too! The bloodiest,
most brutal wars fought, all based on
religious hatred!
Which is fine with me, hey! Any time a bunch
of holy people want to kill each other, I'm
a happy guy!
But don't be giving me all this shit
about the sanctity of life!
I mean, even if there were such a thing,
I don't think it's something you can blame on God!
Now you know where the Sanctity
of life came from? We made it up!
You know why?
'Cause we're alive! Self-interest!
Living people have a strong interest
in promoting the idea that somehow
life is sacred!
You don't see Abbot and Costello running
around, talking about this shit, do you?
Who even heard a whole lot
from Mussolini on the subject?
What's the latest from JFK?
Not a goddam thing!
'Cause JFK, Mussolini and Abbot
and Costello are fucking dead!
They're fucking dead, and dead people give
less than a shit about the sanctity of life!
Only living people care about it, so the whole
things grows out of a completely biased
point of view!
It's a self-serving man-made
bullshit story!
It's one of these things we tell ourselves
so we'll feel noble! Life is sacred!
Makes you feel noble! Let me ask you this!
If everything that ever lived is dead...
...and everything alive is gonna die...
Where does the sacred part come in?
I'm having trouble with that!
'Cause, even what the stuff we preach about
the Sanctity of life, we don't practise it!
We don't practise it! Look at what we kill!
Mosquitos and flies? "'Cause they're pests!"
Lions and tigers? "'Cause it's fun!"
Chickens and pigs! "'Cause we're hungry!"
Pheasants and quail! "'Cause it's fun!"
"...and we're hungry!"
And people! We kill people!
"'Cause they're pests!"
"...and it's fun!"
And you might have noticed something else!
The sanctity of life doesn't seem to apply to
cancer cells, does it?
You rarely see a bumper sticker
that says: "Save the tumours!"
Or "I brake for advanced melanoma!"
No! Viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus,
weeds, E-coli, bacteria, the crabs...
Nothing sacred about those things!
So, at best, the Sanctity of life is kind of
a selective thing!
We get to choose what forms of life we feel
are sacred, and we get to kill the rest!
Pretty neat deal, huh?
You know how we got it?
We made the whole fucking
thing up!
Made it up! The same way...!
The same way we made up
the death penalty!
We made them both up! Sanctity of life
and the death penalty! Aren't we versatile?
And you know? In this country now there are a lot
of people who want to expand the death penalty
to include drug dealers!
This is really stupid!
Drug dealers aren't afraid to die!
Then, why are they killing each other
every day, on the streets, by the hundreds?
Drive-by's, gang shootings,
they're not afraid to die!
Death penalty doesn't mean anything unless
you use it on people who are afraid to die! Like...
The bankers who launder the drug money!
Bankers who launder the drug money!
Forget the dealers! If you wanna slow down that
drug traffic, you gotta start executing a few of
these fucking bankers!
White, middle-class republican bankers!
And I'm not talking about soft American
executions, like lethal injection...
I'm talking about fucking crucifixion, folks!
Let's bring back crucifixion! A form of capital
punishment that Christians and Jews of America
can really appreciate!
And I go a little further! I'd crucify
people upside down!
Like St. Peter! Feet up, head down! And naked!
I'd have naked, upside-down crucifixions...
...on TV, once a week, at half-time
of the Monday night football game!
The Monday night crucifixions!
You'd have people tuning in
don't even care about football!
Wouldn't you like to hear Dan Deerdorf explain
why the nails have to go in at a certain angle?
And I guarantee you one thing! You start executing,
you start nailing one white banker per week to a
big wooden cross on National TV...
...and you're gonna see that drug traffic
begin to slow down pretty fucking quick!
Really fucking quick! You won't even be able
to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore!
Now, I don't care about capital punishment one way
or another, 'cause I know it doesn't do anything!
It doesn't do anything, except maybe satisfy
a kind of biblical need for revenge!
Now, if you read the Bible, you see that it's full
of retribution and revenge, so really...!
...capital punishment is kind of a religious
ritual! It's a purification rite!
It's a modern sacrament! And as long as that's
true, I say: "Let's liven it up a little!"
I honestly believe that, if you make the death
penalty a little more entertaining and learn
to market it correctly...
...you just might be able to raise enough money
to balance the stupid fucking budget!
And don't forget! The polls show the American
people want capital punishment, and they want
a balanced budget...!
...and I think even in a fake democracy, people
oughta get what they want once in a while...
...just to feed this illusion that they're
really in charge!
Let's use capital punishment the same way we use
sport and television in this country...
...to distract people and take their minds off
how bad they're being fucked by the upper
one per cent!
Now! Unfortunately...!
Unfortunately, Monday night football doesn't
last long enough! What we really need...
...is year-round capital punishment on TV
every night with sponsors!
Gotta have sponsors! I'm sure as long as we're
killing people, Marlboro cigarettes and Dahl
Chemical would be proud to participate!
Proud to participate!
Balance the stupid fucking budget!
And let me say this to you, my interesting
judeo-christian friends! Not only...
Not only do I recommend crucifixions,
I'd be in favour of bringing back beheadings!
Beheadings on TV? Slow motion?
Instant replay?
And maybe you can let the heads
roll down a little hill...!
...and fall into one of five
numbered holes!
Let the people at home gamble on
which hole the head is gonna fall into!
And you do it in a stadium, so the mob
can gamble on it, too!
Raise a little more money! And if you wanna
expand the violence a little longer and sell
a few more commercials!
...instead of using an axe, you do the beheadings
with a handsaw!
Hey! Don't bail that on me now,
goddam it!
Blood is already on our hands, all we are talking
about is a matter of degree!
You want something a little more delicate?
We'll do the beheadings with an olive fork!
That would be nice! And it would take a good
goddam long time!
Yes, I love the good things we could be doing!
When's the last time we burned
someone at the stake?
Been too long!
Here's another form of capital punishment
comes out of a nice rich religious tradition!
Burning people at the stake! Sponsor?
Ridgefield Charcoal!
And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings!
Sunday morning, evangelical, send-us-an-offering,
praise Jesus, human bonfire!
You don't think that would get big ratings?
In this sick fucking country?
Shit! You'd have people skipping church
to watch this stuff!
...and you take the money they're sending in
the offering and you use it to balance the budget!
What about boiling people in oil?
Boy, those were the days!
Weren't they?
To get the oil going real good, you know?
A nice, high-rolling boil...!
...and then slowly, at the end of a rope,
you lower the perpetrator headfirst
into the boiling oil!
Huh? You talk about fun shit!
And just to encourage citizen participation,
you let the mob in the stadium control
the speed of the rope!
Good, clean, wholesome family entertainment!
The kids will love it! The kids will love it!
And at the same time they're enjoying
themselves...
...we're teaching them a nice,
christian moral lesson!
Boiling people in oil! Sponsor?
Crisco!
And maybe, instead of boiling all these guys
every now and then you can french-fry a couple
of them, you know?
French-fry felons! Dip the guy in
egg batter, just for a goof, you know?
Kind of a tempura thing, huh? Jeffrey Dahmers
never thought of this shit, did he?
Jeffrey Dahmers, eat your heart out!
Just an interesting thought,
in and out of itself! Huh?
Alright, enough nostalgia!
What about some modern forms of
capital punishmet?
How about we throw a guy off the World Trade
Center and whoever he lands on wins
the Publisher's Clearing House?
OK, something a little more
sophisticated...
...you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock him
in a small room with a wolverine who's high
on angel dust?
There's one guy who's not gonna be fucking with
too many kids at the bus stop for a while, huh?
Here's something really nice
you could do...!
You shoot a guy out of a high-speed
catapult...
...right into a brick wall!
Trouble is it would be over too quick!
No good for TV, you know? You'd have to
do a whole bunch of guys right in a row!
Rapid fire catapult punishment!
Fifteen catapults, while you're shooting off one,
you're loading up the others!
'Cause every now and then, you would have
to stop to clean off the wall!
Cleanliness! Right next to godliness!
Alright! High-tech!
I sense some of you are waiting
for high-tech!
I got it! You take a small, tactical
nuclear weapon...!
...and stick it up a guy's ass!
A thermonuclear supository!
Preparation H-Bomb!
Talk about fall-out! Huh?
Or you take the bomb and you stick it just inside
the little hole at the end of a guy's dick,
you know?
Yeah, a bomb in a dick! When it goes off,
they guy wouldn't know if he was coming or going?
Get out of here!
I got you!
I got a lot of good ideas!
Balance the stupid fucking budget!
Here's another idea! I'm gonna save you
a whole lot of money on prisons!
But at the same time, we are still going to
remove from society...!
Many of our more annoying citizens!
Four groups are going away permanently!
First group: Violent criminals!
Here's what you do with these
Emmy Award winners!
You take the entire state of Kansas!
You move everybody out!
You give them a couple of hundred
dollars for their inconvenience, you know?
Gotta be fair! And then...
You move them out, you put a big,
ten-storey electric fence around Kansas...
...and Kansas becomes a permanent
prison farm for violent criminals...
No parole, no police, no supplies, the only
thing you give them is lethal weapons
and live ammunition...
...so they can communicate in a meaningful way!
Then, you put the whole thing on cable TV!
The Violent's Network! V.N.N.!
And for a corporate sponsor, you get one of those
companies that love to smear its logo feces
all over the landscape...
...Budweisser will jump at this shit
in half a minute...
Alright! Next group: sex criminals!
Completely incurable! You gotta lock them up!
You could outlaw religion, and most of these
sex crimes will disappear in a couple of
generations...
But we don't have time for
rational solutions!
Much easier to fence off another
rectangular state!
Rectangular states are cheaper to fence,
saves the taxpayer's money! You know?
This time, Wyoming! But only
for true sex offenders!
We're not gonna bother consenting adults who
like to dress up in leather, boy scout uniforms,
and smash each other in the head with ballpin
hammers while they turns blowing their cat!
There's certainly nothing wrong
with that!
It's a victimless hobby! And think of
how good the cat must feel!
No! We're only gonna lock up
rapists and molesters...
Those hopeless romantics!
Who are so full of love, they can't help
getting a little of it on you!
Usually on your leg! You take all these
heavy-breathing fun seekers...
...and you stick them in Wyoming, and you let
them suck, fuck and fondle...
...you let them blow, chew, sniff, lick,
whip, gobble and cornhole each other...
...until their testicles are whistling
"O Come, All Ye Faithful!"
Then you turn on the cameras and you got
"The Sperm Channel!"
And don't forget our corporate sponsor!
We're gonna let Budweisser put their
little logo patches on the rapist pants
right here...
"This pod's for you!"
Alright! Next group: drug addicts
and alcoholics!
Not all of them! Don't get nervous!
Just the ones who are making life difficult
for at least one other person!
And we're not gonna bother first offenders!
People deserve a chance to clean up!
Everyone will get...
...twelve chances to clean up!
OK, alright! Fifteen! Fifteen!
That's fine, and that's it! If you can't make it
if fifteen tries, off you go to Colorado!
A perfect place for staying loaded!
Each week...!
...all of the illegal drugs confiscated
in the United States...
...that the police and D.E.A. don't keep
for their own personal use...
Will be air dropped into Colorado, and we're
gonna turn the Kurt's Brewery over to the
beer drinking assholes!
And everyone can stay wasted, wired, stoned,
bombed, hammered, smashed and shitfaced
round the clock...
...and another new cable channel "Shitface
Central!" This is the real Rocky Mountain high!
OK, I saved my favourite group for last...
The maniacs and crazy people! Yeah!
The ones who live out
where the buses don't run!
And I distinguish between maniacs
and crazy people!
A maniac would beat nine people
to death with a steel dildo!
A crazy person will beat nine people to death
with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs
Bunny suit at the time!
So you can't put them all away! You know,
you gotta keep some of them around just
for the entertainment!
Like a guy who tells you the king of Sweden
is using his penis as a radio transmitter...
...to send anti-semitic lesbian meat-loaf recipes
to Soupy Sayles and Marvin Hamlish!
A guy like that, you wanna give him
his own radio show!
No, the maniac farm will be reserved
strictly for hopeless cases...
Like a guy who gets a big tattoo on his chest
of Liza Minelli taking a shit!
You know? And he tells you if he wiggles a
certain way, it looks like she's wiping her ass!
You know?
A guy like that, you wanna get him into custody
as quickly as possible!
Now, for the maniac farm, I think there's
no question, we gotta go with Utah!
Utah! Easy to fence...
Easy to fence, right next to Wyoming and Colorado,
and Colorado is right next to Kansas! And that
means all four groups...
Of our most amusing citizens are now
in one place!
Except for the big fences! And I think I have
another of my really good ideas...
...for cable TV! Gates!
Small sliding gates in the fences!
Think of what you've got here!
Think of what you've got!
Predators, degenerates, crackheads and fruitcakes!
Nine hundred miles of fence separating them!
Every fifty miles you put a small sliding gate!
But the gates are only ten inches wide,
and they only open once a month...
...for seven seconds...!
And you know something? Fuck cable!
This shit has got to be on Pay Per View!
Because if those gates are only open
seven seconds a month...
You are gonna have some mighty
interesting people...
...pushing and shoving to be first
on line!
Deeply disturbed armed cranky lunatics
on drugs!
You know the ones? Lot of tattoos,
lot of teeth broken off at the gum line...!
The true face of America! And every time
you open the gates, a few of the more
aggresive ones are going to get through...
"The crme de la crme", The alphas!
They're gonna get through, they're gonna find
each other and they're gonna cross-breed!
And pretty soon you have a melting pot!
Child killers, corpse fuckers, drug zombies
and full-blown wack-a-loons!
Wandering the landscape, in search of truth
and fun! Just like now!
Everyone will have guns, everyone will have drugs,
and no one will be in charge!
Just like now! But at least, we'll have
a balanced budget!
Thank you! Very much!
I appreciate it! Thank you! Thank you!
Huh! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Time for a few fart jokes!
Where would a comedy show be
without a few fart jokes? Question!
Did you ever have to fart
on a bus, or an airplane,
or in some public place?
...but you hadn't been farting
all that day...!
...so you didn't really know
the nature of the beast!
You only knew there was
lots of it!
In a situation like that,
what you have to do...
...is to release a test fart!
You have to arrange to release,
quietly...
...and in a carefully controlled manner...
...about ten to fifteen per cent
of the total fart!
...in order to determine if those around you
can handle it!
Or if in fact, you may be about to
precipitate...
...a public health emergency!
When releasing a test fart...
...it is often good to engage in
an act of subterfuge...
...such as reaching for a magazine...
Say! Is that "Golf's Digest"?
That doesn't smell too horrifying!
In fact, in an odd way,
is rather pleasant!
I think they oughta enjoy
the rest of this baby!
And it turns of to be one of those farts...
...that would strip the varnish
off a foot locker!
A fart that could end a marriage!
And everyone around you
heads for the exits!
Even the people on the airplane!
As you realise it is time to review
your fiber intake!
It might not be necessary after all each morning
to eat an entire wicker swingset!
I have no ending for this,
so I take a small bow!
Thank you! I appreciate that!
Thank you! OK!
And this next thing, this next thing,
is about the English language...
It's about little expressions we use, we all
say, and the little sayings and expressions
that we use, all the time! Most of us!
Now, we never really seem to examine
these expressions very carefully at all!
We just sort of say these things
as if they really made sense...
...like "legally drunk".
Well, if it's legal, what's the fucking problem?
"Leave my friend alone, officer!
He's legally drunk!"
"You know where you can stick it!"
Why do we always assume everyone
knows where they can stick it?
Suppose you don't know!
Suppose you are a new guy!
You have absolutely no idea where to stick it!
I think there oughta be a government book
entitled "Where To Stick It!"
Now that I think of it, I think there is a
government booklet like that!
They send it to you on April 15!
"Undisputed heavyweight champion!"
Well, if it's undisputed,
what's all the fighting about?
"It's the quiet ones you gotta watch!"
You know that one, huh? Every time you see
a story about a serial killer on TV...
What do they do? They bring on
the neighbour!
And the neighbour says:
"Well, he was always very quiet!"
And someone in the room says:
"It's the quiet ones you gotta watch!"
This sounds to me like a very dangerous
assumption!
I would bet you anything that while you're watching
a quiet one, a noisy one will fucking kill you!
Suppose you're in a bar, and one guy sitting
over a side, reading a book, not bothering anybody,
another guy standing at the front, with a machete,
banging it on the bar: "I'll kill the next
motherfucker who comes in here!"
Who are you gonna watch?
You're goddam right!
"Lock 'im up and throw away the key!"
This is really stupid!
Where are you going to throw the key?
Right out in front of the jail?
His friends will find it!
How far can you throw a key?
Fifty, sixty feet the most!
Even you lay it flat on it side, like that,
and you scale it?
What do you get? An extra ten feet! Tops!
This is a stupid idea! Needs to be
completely rethought!
"Down the tubes!" You get that one a lot!
People say: "Ah, the country is going
down the tubes!"
What tubes?
Have you seen any tubes? Where are
these tubes? And where do they go?
And how come there's more
than one tube?
It would seem to me, one country, one tube!
What is, every state all of a sudden
has to have its own tube now?
One tube is all you need!
But a tube that big?
Somebody would have seen it
by now!
Somebody would have said: "Hey, Joey, Joey!
Look at that fucking tube!"
"Big ass fucking tube over here!" You never
hear that, you know why? No tubes!
We don't have tube one! We are essentialy...
..."tubeless"!
"Takes the cake!"
You know? Say. "Boy, he really
takes the cake!"
Where?
Where do you take a cake?
To the movies?
You know where I would take the cake?
Down to the bakery...
...to see the other cakes!
And how come he takes the cake?
How come he don't take the pie?
Pie is easier to carry than a cake!
Easy as pie!
Hey wait! Cake is not too hard
to carry, either!
Piece of cake!
"The greatest thing since sliced bread!"
So this is it, huh, folks?
A couple of hundred thousand years...!
The fucking pyramids, for Christ's sake!
Panama canal, the great wall of China!
Even a lava lamp...!
...to me is greater than sliced bread!
What's so great about sliced bread?
You got a knife, you got a loaf of bread...
Slice the fucking thing!
And get on with your life...
"Out walking the streets!"
You know? Guy gets a parole...
They say: "Now, instead of being in prison,
this guy is out walking the streets!"
How do we know? Maybe the guy's home,
banging the babysitter!
Not everybody gets a parole is out
walking the fucking streets!
A lot of they steal a car, you know!
Hey, we oughta be glad!
"Thank God he stole a car!
At least he's not out walking the streets!"
"Fine and dandy!" That's an
old-fashioned one, isn't it to you?
Say to a guy "Hoy are you?"
"Just fine and dandy!"
Not me! I never say that!
You know how come?
'Cause I'm never both of those things
at the same time! Sometimes I'm fine...
Not dandy! Close to dandy!
Approaching dandy! In the vicinity
of dandyhood!
Not quite fully dandy!
Other times, I am indeed
highly dandy!
However, not fine!
One time, one time! 1965,
August, for about an hour...!
I was both fine and dandy
at the same time...
But nobody asked me how I was!
And I could have told them!
I could have told them!
I could have told them!
I could have said to the person:
"Fine and dandy!"
I consider it a lost opportunity!
"Walking papers!" You know? Guy gets fired...
They say "Geeze, poor guy!
Well, they gave him his walking papers today!"
Did you ever get any walking papers?
Seriously!
Believe me! In my life, I got fired
a lot of times!
You can tell!
Never got any walking papers! Never got a pink
slip either! You know what I would get?
A guy would come around to my desk and say:
"Get the fuck out of here!"
You don't need paper for that!
It's like the riot act! "The riot act!"
They keep telling that they're gonna
read that to you!
Have you heard this thing at all?
Especially when you're a kid, they threaten you!
"You wait till your father comes home,
he's gonna read you the riot act!"
"Tell him I already read it myself!"
"And I didn't like it, either! I considered it
unworthy and poorly thought out!"
"He wants to read me something, how about: The
Gentleman's Guide to the Golden Age of Blowjobs!"
"More than happy!"
I bet you say that sometimes, don't you?
Once in a while, you say to somebody...
"Oh, I'd be more than happy
to do that!"
How can you be "More than happy?"
To me, this sounds like a dangerous
mental condition!
"We had to put Dave in the mental home!"
"He was... whoa...."
"More than happy!"
One more of these:
"In your own words!"
People say that to you? You know where you
hear that a lot? In a classroom, or in a courtroom!
They'll say to you: "Tell us in your own words!"
Do you have your own words? Hey! I'm using
the ones everybody else has been using!
Next time they tell you to say something in your
own words, say: "Nit flot blurny kwando floo!"
Now, this next piece of material
is real simple...
It's called "Free-floating hostility!"
Twenty-four minor cultural items I'm bored with,
tired of and pissed at!
So I hope you're ready for a little random anger!
People! People...!
People who make quote marks in the air
with their fingers!
Are you tired of these people yet?
"He said he was sober!"
"Hey lady! Eat me!"
"Ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing!"
Next guy says to me "Ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing!"
is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts!
"Ba-da-boom, motherfucker!"
You wanna try "Ba-da-bing?"
"Bad hair day!" Where did this shit
come from?
What a superficial culture! Put on a hat
and go to work, you shallow cunt!
It's a good thing Lewis and Clark
never had a bad hair day!
Or Daniel Boone, huh? Custer?
He had a really bad hair day! But he had it coming,
that blond, blue-eyed criminal fuck!
And what about these guys who tell you:
"I heard that!" "I heard that!"
Oh, you did, did you?
Well, isn't this exciting!
What is this, a fucking hearing test?
Have I wandered into a Belltone
commercial here?
Of course you heard it, you fucking nimrod!
I'm standing right next to you!
I'm gonna move down here!
I'm gonna move a little
further away!
"Blow me!"
By any chance did you hear that?
And what about these people who tell you
their needs aren't being met?
Do you run into this stuff? This is support group
shit! Twelve-steppers! "My needs aren't being
met!"
Know what I tell them?
Drop some of your needs!
Life is a zero sum game!
What else is troubling me?
Mickey Mouse's birthday, being announced on
the television news as if it's an actual event!
I don't give a shit! If I cared about Mickey
Mouse's birthday, I'd have memorized it
years ago!
I would have sent him a card! "Dear Mickey,
happy birthday! Love, George!" I don't do that!
Why? Don't give a shit!
Fuck Mickey Mouse! Fuck him in the asshole
with a big rubber dick!
Then break it off and beat him
with the rest of it!
I hope Mickey dies! I do!
I hope he goddam dies!
I hope he gets ahold of some
tainted cheese!
And dies lonely and forgotten, behind the
baseboard of a soiled bathroom in a poor
neighbourhood!
With his hands in Goofy's pants!
Mickey Mouse! No wonder no one in the world takes
our country seriously! We waste our valuable
television time informing our citizens of the age
of an imaginary rodent!
Now let me ask you this! The two pandas
in the zoo, do you care if they fuck? I don't!
When will they stop telling me on the news
the pandas didn't fuck again this year?
I'm not concerned! I have no emotional
stake in panda fucking! Alright?
If they want to, they will!
If not, they'll watch "The Price Is Right!"
Probably the only reason they're not doing it
on time, is 'cause some jackoff from the
environmental movement has moved into
the cage with them!
Could you get a hard-on if some guy in a green
T-shirt with a stopwatch was taking
your girlfriend's rectal temperature?
Leave these creatures alone!
And... Alright, let me get a sip
of water here, hold on!
Alright!
And as long as we're talking about the news,
I don't wanna hear anything more...
...about sperm, egg donours, surrogate, in vitro,
test tube, biological, adoptive, foster parents
who want their baby back!
Baby Jane, Baby Ruth, Baby this, Baby that,
Baby it's cold outside... I don't give a shit!
Leave me alone and keep it off my TV!
Sick American shit! I'm also tired of
hearing about innocent victims!
This is an outmoded idea! There are no innocent
victims! If you live on this planet, you're guilty!
Period! Fuck you! End of report! Next case!
Next fucking case!
Next case!
Your birth certificate is proof of guilt!
And what happens in this country that now,
suddenly, everyone is walking around with
their own personal bottle of water?
When did we get so thirsty in America?
Is everybody so dehydrated they have to have
their own portable supply of fluids with them
at all times?
Get a drink before you leave the house!
Another crime against society! Hyphenated names!
Hey lady! Pick a fucking name! Will you, please?
Pick a fucking name!
"Hi, I'm Emily Geracore-Fortesque!"
"Hi, I'm George Jerk-me-off-Fuck-you-too!"
We don't acquire personal dignity
by adding a name to your name!
Feminists think it's a radical act! It's not!
Castrating a guy in a parking lot with a
Coke bottle is a radical act!
Hyphenating a name is pretentious
bullshit!
And with is going on with all these
telephone calling plans?
MCA? AT&T? Is this shit really
necessary?
When did the phone bill become
life's most critical document?
In a country where you can buy
cinnamon dental floss, cheese in
a spray can and edible women's panties...
Are people really breaking their balls to save
nine cents on a fucking phone call?
You know?
Talking to your mother once a year might not be
the most pleasing thing in the world, but it should
not be seen as a critical spending decision!
Something else I don't understand! Motivation
tapes, motivation books... What happens here?
Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated?
It's a fairly simple thing! Either you wanna do
something or you don't! What's the big mystery?
Besides! If you're motivated enough to go to the
store and buy a motivation book, aren't you
motivated enough to do that?
...so you don't need the book! Put it back!
Tell the ... Fuck you! I'm motivated!
I'm going home!
I'm going home!
And can anyone explain to me the need
for one-hour photo finishing?
You just saw the fucking thing!
How can you possibly be nostalgic about
a concept like "A little while ago?"
Another complaint:
Too many vehicles!
There are some families in this country
own entirely too many vehicles!
You see them on a highway, in their RV!
But that's not enough for them! RV is
not enough!
Behind them, they're towing a motorboat, go-kart,
dune buggy, dirt bike, jet ski, snowmobile...
...carousel, hang-glider, windsurfing equipment,
a hot air balloon and a small, two men, deep-sea
diving bell!
Doesn't anyone just take a fucking
walk anymore?
The only thing these people lack is
a lunar excursion module!
Too many choices, America!
It's not healthy!
Another abomination! White guys,
over ten years of age...
...who wear their baseball hats backwards!
Listen to me!
White guys!
Let me tell you something!
You're never gonna be
as cool as black guys!
It's not gonna happen!
You're white and you're lame!
It's a fucking law of nature!
Turning your hat around and learning
a complicated handshake will not make
you cool!
And you black guys, since you started the
whole thing, I'm gonna let you stay with
the hats a little bit longer...
...but I think, really, won't you qualify
for social security, it's time to spin that
motherfucker around! It ain't fun anymore!
Another tip! Another tip for the men!
The earring? The thing with the earrings?
It's over!
It's been over for a long time! It doesn't mean
anything anymore! It was supposed to piss off
the squares!
The squares are wearing them now!
Doesn't mean any! It's just fucking jewellery!
Unless you have an earring with a live baby
hanging from it!
It's just jewellery! And I want you to know!
I'm in favour of self-mutilation and
personal disfigurement!
I've always said there's nothing like puncturing
and perforating your skin in a dozen or so
places to demonstrate your high self-esteem!
When I see a young man decorating his scalp
with a soldering iron, I say:
"There's a happy guy!"
"Thinks highly of himself!"
And haven't we gone a little overboard
with these colour ribbons for different
causes?
Every cause has its own colour given now! Red for
AIDS, blue for child abuse, pink for breast cancer,
green for the rainforest...
...purple for ... balance. I got a brown one!
You know what it means? Eat shit, motherfucker!
Eat shit, motherfucker!
And what can we do to silence these Christian
athletes?
...who thank Jesus whenever they win,
never mention His name when they lose!
Not a word! You never hear them say:
"Jesus made me drop the ball!"
The Good Lord tripped me up
behind the line of scrimmage!
According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated!
Meanwhile, these assholes are in last place!
Must be another one of those miracles!
Speaking of delusional people, what about a guy
who hears a voice in his head, tells them to kill
his entire family, so he does it?
Is that the only a voice in their head ever
tells these people to do, is to kill others?
Doesn't a voice ever tell a guy:
"Go take a shit on the salad bar
at Wendy's!"
Doesn't a voice tell a guy to take out his dick
on the merry-go-round once in a while?
Well, some guys do take out their dicks
on the merry-go-round...
...but usually it's their own idea!
Something I can do without!
Aftershave and cologne!
And this disgusting shit that men
put on their bodies!
Just what I need in the elevator, some guy
standing next to me smells like a fucking
pine tree!
I say: "Go home and wash! You smelly prick!
You smell like the urinal at a Portuguese
cathouse!
Goddam guys are stupid! Guys are really fucking
dumb! They think they're gonna get laid with
the stuff, you know!
Oh yeah! They put it on at home! "Oh, boy, Oh, boy!
I'm getting laid tonight!" You don't get laid with
green shit that comes out of a bottle, OK?
And the only smell that's gonna help you get
laid might be your own natural scent!
You have pheromones...
It's a secondary sex characteristic! People in
America don't... nervous about sex! They
wanna cover it up and disguise it!
Guys in Europe, they know how to live!
Guy gets into a elevator over there, he
smells like a pile of dogshit!
Those people are sophisticated!
Getting pretty tired of these guys walking around
in cowboy hats and cowboy boots! Do you ever
see these jackoffs?
Can't we kill some of these
motherfuckers?
Walking around in a fucking cowboy hat?
Grown men! It's not even Halloween,
for Christ's sakes!
I say "Hey, Tex! Grow up and get yourself
a wardrobe consistent with the century
you're living in!
Why do certain men feel the need
to dress up as mythic figures?
You don't see them walking around
in a pirate custome, do you?
When's the last guy you ran into
had on a viking outfit?
Make-believe cowboys! Close these guys
ever got to a cow is when they stop to
take a piss on their RV's
And camcorders! Here is technology
gone berserk!
Everywhere you go now there's some dick,
some yo-yo, some putz...!
...with their camcorder, and he's going to tape...
...everything!
Doesn't anyone in this country just
stop and look at things anymore?
So as to take them in! Might even
remember them?
Isn't that a strange notion? Does experience
have to be documented and brought home
and saved on the shelf?
And do people really watch this shit? Are people's
lives so bankrupt they sit at home, looking at
things they already did?
These guys are so intense! You know? It's always
guys! They won't let women touch the cameras,
it's a highly technical skill!
Look through a hole, push on a button,
they're skilled! And they all think they're
Federico Fellini! Did you ever see them...?
Low angles, zooms and pans, and it's the same
ugly three children in every goddam shot!
All the George Lucas magic in Hollywood is not
gonna change the unfortunate genetic configuration
on the faces of these children!
Keep these unfortunate youngsters out
of public view!
Now! A lot of these...
Hold on a sec!
A lot of these cultural crimes
I've been complaining about...
...can be blamed on the baby boomers!
Something else I'm a little tired of hearing about!
The baby boomers! Why me!
Narcissistic self-indulgent people with a simple
philosophy! "Gimme that, it's mine!"
"Gimme that, it's mine!" These people were
given everything!
Everything was handed to them!
And they took it all! Took it all!
Sex, drugs and rock and roll, and they stayed
loaded for twenty years and had a free ride!
But they're staring down the barrel of middle-age
burnout and they don't like it!
They don't like it, so they turn self-righteous,
and they wanna make things hard on younger
people!
They tell them "Abstcain from sex!"
"Say no to drugs!"
As for the rock and roll, they sold that to
television commercials a long time ago!
So they can buy pasta machines,
and stairmasters...
...and soy bean futures!
Soy bean futures! You know something?
They're cold bloodless people! It's in their
slogans, it's in their rhetoric!
"No pain, no gain!"
"Just do it!" "Life is short!" "Play hard!"
"Shit happens!" "Deal with it!"
"Get a life!" These people went from
"Do your own thing!" to "Just say no!"
They went from "Love is all you need!" to
"Whoever winds up with the most toys wins!"
And they went from "Cocaine" to "Raw-gain!"
And you know something? They're still counting
grams, only now it's fat grams!
And the worst of it is the rest of us have to
watch these commercials on TV...
...for Levi's, loose-fitting jeans and fat-ass
Docker pants!
...because these degenerate, yuppy boomer
cocksuckers couldn't keep their hands off
the croissants and the Haagen Datz!
Big fat asses spread all over, they have to
wear fat-ass Docker pants!
Fuck these boomers! Fuck these yuppies!
And fuck everybody, now that I think of it!
Sometimes in comedy you have to
generalize!
Now, there's one thing you might have
noticed I don't complain about!
Politicians! Everybody complains about
politicians! Everybody says they suck!
But where do people think these politicians
come from? They don't fall out of the sky...
They don't pass through a membering
from another reality...
They come from American parents, and American
families, American homes, American schools,
American churches, American businesses and
American Universities, and they are elected by
American citizens!
This is the best we can do, folks!
This is what we have to offer!
It's what our system produces!
Garbage in, garbage out!
If you have selfish, ignorant citizens,
you are gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders!
It's our limits! They aren't going to get any good!
You're just gonna want over a brand new bunch
of selfish ignorant Americans! So maybe, maybe...!
Maybe it's not the politicians who suck!
Maybe something else sucks around here!
Like... the public!
Yeah! The public sucks!
There's a nice capaign slogan for somebody!
The public sucks! Fuck hope! Fuck hope!
Because if it is just the fault of these
politicians, then where are all the other
bright people of conscience?
Where are all the bright, honest, intelligent
Americans, ready to step in, and save the
nation, and lead the way...
We don't have people like that in this country!
Everybody's at the mall!
Scratching his ass, picking his nose, taking his
credit card out of his fanny pack and buying a
pair of sneakers with lights in them!
So I have solved this little political dilemma
for myself in a very simple way! On election
day, I stay home!
I don't vote! Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em!
I don't vote! Two reasons!
Two reasons I don't vote! First of all,
it's meaningless!
This country was bought and sold and paid for
a long time ago! The shit they shuffle around
every four years...
...doesn't mean a fucking thing!
And secondly, I don't vote 'cause I believe if
you vote, you have no right to complain!
People like to twist that around, I know! They say:
"Well, if you don't vote, you've no right to
complain!" But where's the logic in that?
If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent
people, and they get into office and screw
everything up...
Well, you are responsible for what they have done!
You caused the problem, you voted them in,
You have no right to complain!
I, on the other hand...
...who did not vote, who did not vote, who...
...in fact, did not even leave the house
on election day...
...I'm in no way responsible for what these people
have done, and have every right to complain as
loud as I want about the mess you created, that
I have nothing to do with!
So, I know that a little later around
this year you're gonna have another one
of those really swell presidential elections
that you like so much...
...you'll enjoy yourselves, it will be a lot of
fun, I'm sure as soon as the election is over,
your country will approve immediately!
As for me, I'll be home on that day, doing
essentialy the same thing as you, the only
difference is...
...when I get finished masturbating, I'm gonna
have a little something to show for, folks!
Thank you very much!
Thank you very much!
Thank you very much!