# You woke up
this morning #
# Got yourself a gun #
# Your momma always said
you'd be the Chosen One #
# She said you're...
you're one in a million #
# You've got
to burn to shine #
# But you were
born under a bad sign #
# With a blue moon
in your eyes #
# When you
woke up this morning #
# And all that love
had gone #
# Your papa never
told you about #
# Right and wrong #
# But you're...
you're lookin' good, baby #
# I believe that
you're feelin' fine #
# Shame about it,
born under a bad sign #
# With a blue moon
in your eyes #
- # So sing it now #
- # Woke up this morning #
# Got a blue moon...
got a blue moon in your eyes, yeah #
# Woke up this morning #
# You say you woke up
this morning #
# The world
turned upside down #
# Lordy, well,
things ain't been the same #
# Since the blues
walked in our town #
# But you're... but you're
one in a million #
# 'Cause you got that
shotgun shine #
# Shame about it,
born under a bad sign #
# With a blue moon
in your eyes, yeah #
# Woke up
this morning #
- # Uh-huh #
- # And got yourself a gun #
- # Woke up this morning #
- # Got yourself a gun #
- # Uh-huh #
- # Got yourself a gun. #
Ah, that's so funny!
Ha ha.
No, it isn't! You just
poked me in the eye!
Well, you poked me first.
I can't find
the thing.
Here.
I don't know what the fuck
happened to the DeWalt.
Everything disappears
around here.
Especially now that I'm outta the house.
She lets everything go.
Stop, stop, Uncle Tony!
It's freezing cold!
Uncle Tony,
knock it off!
She wants to talk
to me about somethin'.
Thanks for havin' us
up here, Ton'.
Don't put pine cones in the filter!
The hell's the matter with you?
- Yo, Dad, he's hitting me!
- Hey, what did I say?
They will probably go
through their entire lives
not knowing that
their father's sperm
was smuggled out of jail
to get Nancy pregnant.
It was the least
I could do.
I just remembered what
happened to the power drill.
Pardon me?
I loaned it to your cousin Brian.
And he never gave it...
- What's the matter?
- I don't know.
One of your attacks?
No, it...
I think it's just indigestion.
It's goin' away.
- I had an attack... full blown.
- What did your therapist say?
- I don't see her no more.
- Why not?
You think you're the only
one that has to cut back
on shit they need
'cause of the separation?
Now, what's
on your mind?
Mr. Wegler wants us
to come in and discuss
AJ's lousy
academic performance.
Is this the same Wegler?
Last year... the riccion
with the Billy Budds?
AJ got him as
a college advisor.
I told this kid to start
crackin' the books.
Was he supposed
to do that after he got back
from the Nets game
you took him to on a school night?
It's gotta be hard for him,
this situation with us.
- Why don't you cut him some slack?
- That's your department.
I get to be the prison warden
over here while you indulge him
- with the iPod, the drums...
- Again with the drums!
Encourage extracurricular
activity, you said.
Brand new drums, just like that?
Don't even look in the classifieds.
Just tell me when
the school meetin' is
'cause I don't have to listen
to this shit anymore.
That's why we're separated!
Are you kidding me, Tony?
That is not why!
Jase?
Were you knocking?
Hi, Lorraine.
I'm Billy.
What the fuck? Jason!
Ow, no!
Jason!
Jason!
Oh, no!
You were warned, Lorraine.
The money goes up to John.
Fuck!
Lorraine Calluzzo
and the kid Jason.
Fuckin'
Philly Leotardo!
She told me he warned her
about givin' us points of her take.
Phil's a pimple.
It's goddamn Johnny Sack.
It's his message to the other captains,
that fuckin' animal.
- Take it easy.
- Fuck that.
Rusty!
The car's here.
I'm telling you,
Carmine,
we go all out, we'll steamroll
right over John.
And I predict the guys on the street
in Brooklyn and Queens,
they'll welcome us as fuckin' heroes.
It'll be easy.
It's a fuckin' declaration of war
by Johnny, if ya ask me.
- Hey!
- Ho.
There he is.
Let me kiss the ring.
How about the one
in the center of my ass?
- Hey.
- Feech, good to see ya, baby.
Good to see you.
Hello there, kid.
- Hey, how are ya, boys?
- How are ya, Feech?
Just, uh... talkin' about that mess
over in New York.
Sounds to me
like your friend John
wants to force
Little Carmine's hand.
In my day, the top spot
would've gone to Little Carmine,
unless he was actually retarded
or crippled or something. He's the son.
Come on, when was that?
Yeah?
- Vodka rocks.
- Thank you, dear.
Anybody else?
If we need anything else,
one of the kids'll come out.
Ton', you didn't have any lunch.
You want a sandwich?
No, I'm all right.
Thanks.
Adriana,
hold on a second.
Tommy Pinto's goomah,
when I was comin' up she had
the long legs, up to here, like that.
Famous beauty,
smart as a whip.
My compliments.
Thank you, baby.
You drove
Tommy Pinto?
I was at the Clam Broth House
the night
he beat that longshoreman
to death over a corner table.
- No shit.
- Here we go... Memory Lane.
It's important these young guys
know the history.
Tell 'em about the time Tony and Jackie
Aprile knocked over your card game.
Oh, that he doesn't
like to talk about.
I heard this.
This is a great fuckin' story.
He should be
dead by now.
They bust in,
couple of fuckin' punks.
Guns out. Bad guys.
This one is
fuckin' scared!
First of all,
it was my game.
Feech has forgiven,
even if he hasn't forgotten.
But it's a great yarn,
right, Feech?
Yeah.
Actually, it brings me
to my business.
Fellas, you wanna
give us a minute here?
Yeah.
So, what's up?
I came to ask
for my game back.
It's my uncle's game
now, Feech.
Yeah right,
your uncle's.
You'll still keep
a lion's share of the rake.
I'm in a way just askin'
if I can run it for ya.
- Why would I need that?
- 11 years I ran it...
no fights, no raids. Not to mention
that maybe I got it comin',
considering how it could've gone for you
after you took the game down
if I had been
a prick about it.
Or if his old man didn't
have so many friends.
I'll give you 20%, but you gotta rent
the house from me.
I could throw some
high rollers your way...
friends of mine.
All right.
Let me get outta here before I keep
talkin' and fuck this up. Jesus.
Thank you,
Don Antonio.
He's a strunz.
He's a busybody,
that's all.
He's an egomaniac, Ton',
always was, always will be.
Nothing's ever good enough...
praise, money.
Comes into this fuckin' office,
starts orderin' people around.
He's old.
How do ya think
that feels?
Can I go to the Mudvayne
concert or not?
I've been trying to think of a reason
to let you stay overnight in New York,
but I'm afraid
it's not gonna happen.
Todd's mother already
made arrangements.
- Said it's better than driving home.
- She's not your mother.
Yeah, I know.
Believe me.
Isn't life unfair?
So we're at
the Peppermint Lounge,
when in walks these two
stewardesses from Braniff.
Everybody's in?
Aces high. Your action, Mr. Taylor.
- 200.
- Hesh?
They're sittin' at the bar.
We send 'em a bottle of Dom.
Next thing ya know, we're in the hotel
room... me, Frankie and the two broads.
- I see ya, raise ya three.
- You mother...
But this one, this little pothead
from Texas, she fucked me dry.
But she still wanted more!
She's fuckin' nuts.
I'm wearin'
these pointy featherweights
and I stick the toe in
and I'm fuckin' her with it.
I don't know where
this story's heading
but we should all be grateful
he wasn't wearing white bucks.
The maid walks in.
She says, "What's goin' on?"
And I say...
Ante up, boys.
Hello, girls!
- Ho!
- Hey!
Hi, Ton'.
- Sir Lawrence from the Meadowlands.
- Your Highness, how are you?
Tony, let me introduce
Bernie Brillstein.
Did you get my list of toys?
- What's up?
- Hey, Ton'.
Oh, my cousin!
Kinda high stakes for you, no?
Feech fronted my action.
And thank you for not humiliating me.
Isn't there somethin' in your parole
about hangin' out
with degenerates like this?
- Oh!
- Come on, he gets away with anything.
Last time his parole officer
made the unannounced visit,
he gave him a massage.
So how's Lady Luck
treatin' you, huh?
Jesus-fuckin'-Christ.
How many times this guy gotta say hello?
What, did I interrupt one
of your impermeable stories?
Go ahead.
So...
we had these girls
in the hotel room.
Long story short,
I got my shoe in her snatch...
and it falls off and she keels over.
Che puzz'.
Fuck it.
This hand's from thalidomide.
Three ladies,
gentlemen.
- Ah!
- Stake it.
- Take it.
- The rich get richer.
So Doc, how's the, uh,
plans for the wedding?
Please. It's not a wedding
planner anymore.
It's an "environment
and event coordinator."
What the hell.
She's my only daughter.
She and Iris have their hearts set
on makin' the Vows column
of the Sunday "New York Times"...
featured couple of the week.
Our publicist
is lookin' for a hook.
Turns out that Gillian's law degree
from Harvard means bupkis.
Everybody's got
that or better.
If it was a black couple
or a gay couple they'd be in.
My wife calls "The Times" wedding
section the ladies' sports page.
So Ira, who's
the lucky guy?
Jeremy Silverman, puppeteer,
Children's Television Workshop.
Father's Asa Silverman, head
of commercial paper at Goldman Sachs.
- Upper Eastside.
- I didn't get my invitation.
Fuck you.
You told me to be sure
to let you know
when it was a quarter of.
- Thank you, Mary.
- Okay.
So with Wesleyan
as your fallback,
I think we're in
pretty good shape.
Straight "A"s at Middlebury's Language
Camp, can't sneeze at that.
Your blues folkloric studies
in Mississippi last summer
have an almost community-service
spin to them.
I wish he had the minority
thing going for him.
If we can nudge Lem's verbals
past 760 on the next round,
he can basically
write his own ticket.
I'm stoked.
Appreciate
your help.
Folks?
So let me guess... he called
the English teacher "Daddy-o."
Oh.
The thing is...
we are rapidly
approaching crisis mode here
with these grades,
and time is of the essence.
Could I ask
a question?
I handed in my final list of colleges.
Did you get that?
Yes, we talked
about this.
So, Ramapo
and Trenton State.
And our reach schools,
University of Arizona and Arizona State.
I'll take him out there after I drive
him around to the ones in New Jersey.
If either of the Arizona's is what
he's got his heart set on,
he's not gonna get in
with these grades.
I know about football, Anthony.
That's our ace in the hole.
He says he's tryin'
his best.
S.A.T. -wise,
505 and 430...
I think we can edge up the math
into the fives in the next round,
providing Anthony
can bear down and focus.
He's had trouble
with that before.
Remember, Carm, when they
thought he had A.D.D.?
- You didn't tell me that.
- Head on back to class. Let us talk.
But if I'm learning-disabled,
I get unlimited time on my S.A.T.s.
- Is that true?
- Let's talk about that later.
So you had time to talk
directly to Dr. Rapke about
last week's testing results.
Yes. She said Anthony
has good interpersonal skills.
She said his affect was...
now, where is this...
"constricted," she called it.
But that was normal
for a teenager and...
all in all he seemed to be
handling the split well.
This is not to say I don't get a ration
of shit in every conversation.
Pardon my French.
Well, still, uh...
there is this thing
with his grades.
Do you think it would be
of benefit to him
to see a psychologist
on a regular basis?
You don't approve
of therapy, Mr. Soprano.
People use it
as a crutch.
And I always wonder
what happened to Gary Cooper,
the strong silent type?
Well, Gary Cooper wasn't
a 16-year-old boy.
He was at one time.
And I'm gonna have to agree
with my husband here, Mr. Wegler.
We sent our
daughter to a...
an adolescent developmentalist
and it was a disaster.
I know my son, he's lazy. We're gonna
get him a different S.A.T. tutor,
I'm gonna stay on him and he's gonna
work harder. And that's that.
- I might be learning-disabled.
- Didn't he tell you to go to class?
What's going on, Mary?
Domenica Paolini
and Sasha Caputo,
they were on their way to school
this morning and they hit a tree.
Nica's dead.
Sasha's in a coma.
What's that?
It was here
when I got here.
Okay, if a million zeroes
can be written
on the front and back
of a sheet of paper,
how many sheets of paper do you need
for a googol of zeroes?
Whoa!
Oh man, oh baby,
an Xterra SE.
It's loaded.
3.3- liter supercharged.
- What, this is mine?
- Yeah.
- You are unbelievable.
- The sticker's still on it.
He doesn't have
enough distractions?
After what happened
to those kids at his school?
It's got sensors
in the seatbelts.
It's part of Nissan's
triple safety philosophy.
- Nice ride.
- Are you leaving?
Hour's up.
You're not getting in?
This is so deck.
What is this, Bose?
Yeah, six CD changer.
It's got Surround Sound.
I feel safer already.
Carmela,
this car is a tank.
What's the matter?
SUVs eat up
more of the ozone.
So you wanna be the sucker
in a regular car that gets decapitated?
- I'm gonna catch shit at school.
- So what do you wanna do?
Screw it.
Can we take it out?
Yeah, we can take it out.
Once.
Then this baby sits in the garage
till you pull your grades up to a "C."
- What?
- You heard your father.
I was talking to him,
not you.
I gotta put dinner on.
Tony, I have bills for you.
You better be nice
to your mother.
She's got the keys
till your grades are up.
I'll be right back.
The car was
a motivational tool.
The carrot and the stick,
you gotta do both!
I could strangle him sometimes.
He can be so hateful.
Well, the smart mouth
is not good.
That's minor,
believe me.
God, what happened to him?
He was always the sweet one.
He had the concept of sharing before
any of the other toddlers.
Meadow was always sharper, but I
remember the same thing with her.
It's like watching
an angel fall.
What, are you crying?
Here's the tutor in writing
like you had to have.
I had to call
RotoRooter.
This is a cheap sound system
for the media room.
- Why should I pay for that?
- Because you took the last one.
Oh, your little movie connoisseur
friends are still meeting?
- At least I have friends.
- What the fuck's that mean?
You just have
a bunch of flunkies.
What do you
know about it?
They compliment you
on your new shoes.
They tell you that
you're not going bald.
You think
they really care?
You're the boss,
they're scared of you.
They have to kiss your ass,
laugh at your stupid jokes.
What about Artie then?
You're turning into a frigging cynic.
- Whatever.
- What do I give a shit?
I'm running a fucking business
not a popularity contest.
"I've been thinking,
and I apologize for my use
of fowl language"...
fowl with a "W"...
"in regards to yourself.
You said some very
hurtful things to me
in regards to myself.
But it is still no excuse to use
the vile word that I used,
of which
I am sure you know...
that I'm talking about."
- "Cunt," right?
- Yes, Elliot.
"You don't wish us
to be social friends
and so that is that.
I still have
great rigard for you,
even though you said
some horrible things.
P.S. I'm doing fine,
Anthony."
It came with a bathrobe
and a basketful of
Dr. Hauschka bath products.
Ablution.
The desire to cleanse
himself of the deed.
Notice he still
fundamentally blames me.
- Hello?
- Mrs. Soprano? Robert Wegler.
Oh, hi, hello,
how are you?
Uh... after our meeting
the other day,
I had some ideas about
some further strategies for Anthony.
I thought maybe
we could meet,
have lunch, cup of coffee.
I could share them with you.
- Next week perhaps?
- Really?
Uh... well yeah, I guess
that would be okay.
"Happy Birthday"
by the Beatles.
You know, I heard it
the other day in the car.
They have such a good drum solo
in the middle there.
"Drum solo"?
That's the basic four-four.
You know Ringo was not their original
drummer. That was Pete Best.
And they fired him.
He put out his own album...
"Best of the Beatles."
Sad.
So, is this what they call
common ground?
Just trying to have
a civilized conversation.
Can I go to my room?
I'm full.
Am I so horrible?
You are not horrible.
Get over yourself.
"Over myself"?
What is that supposed to mean?
Just go,
do me a big favor.
If you're gonna be a martyr,
obviously I'll sit here.
No, go.
Put your plate in the sink.
200.
Two to go.
- See, and raise four.
- Call.
Tony, you liking the Escalade?
I can't keep them on the lot.
I love it...
after I pulled out that
global positioning shit.
Oh, right.
Always got his eye
on the big picture.
Up to you.
I think you got that ace
and I'm not paying you for it.
- Aces over.
- Three threes, my man.
Paulie wins.
Cards, please.
You, fuck you.
They used to be a great
tax loophole, those SUVs.
Told all my clients,
write it off on your business.
Accountant dies, goes to heaven
same time as the Pope.
St. Peter says
"Come on in!"
Then he shows the Pope
to this shithouse.
That's where he's gonna live,
and he gives him a crust of bread.
Then he shows the C.P.A.
where he's gonna live.
It's a fuckin' mansion...
servants, broads.
Pope says "He gets a mansion
and I get a hovel?"
St. Peter says
"Your Holiness,
we got hundreds
of popes up here.
This is the first
Jewish accountant!"
I used to be able
to write off condoms.
What do you get when you cross
an accountant with a giant jet airplane?
A Boring 747.
All right, all right,
bet two.
Algebra, huh?
Listen,
I have been doing
some thinking.
I've decided to let you
stay in the city after the concert.
How come?
On one condition, though...
no Hudson Suites.
I talked to Mead, she said that you
can sleep over at her apartment.
I will give you cab fare. When the
concert's over, go straight up there.
Sunday morning,
I want you home 10:30 sharp.
Thanks.
Don't stay up too late.
Come on! Go, go, go!
Hurry!
So, you guys like your job?
Beemer, space 43.
# Siman tov umazel tov,
umazel tov v'siman tov #
# Siman tov umazel tov, umazel tov
v'siman tov #
# Siman tov umazel tov,
umazel tov v'siman tov #
# Y'hei lanu... #
Asa, come on!
#... UI'chol yisra-el #
# Y'hei lanu y'hei lanu #
# UI'chol yisra-el #
# Siman tov umazel tov,
umazel tov v'siman tov #
# Siman tov umazel tov, umazel
tov v'siman tov #
# Siman tov umazel tov,
umazel tov v'siman tov #
# Y'hei lanu #
# Y'hei lanu
y'hei lanu... #
Can I have your attention?
Apparently there's
been an armed robbery.
Some automobiles
were taken.
They left all
the American cars!
- Oh my God.
- I think his skull is broken.
- Oh my God!
- I'm a doctor, let me in there.
Brooke,
our car is gone.
Now who's a genius
for keeping his Regal?
Asa, they got the SL.
That was a fucking
SL55 convertible.
You know how long my brother
was on the waiting list for that thing?
A motherfucking year.
You want to go
back to that?
Yes, I wanna go back
to that!
- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.
- How was Mudvayne?
- They rocked.
Look, l... I don't think I'll be able
to make it up there.
What are you talking about?
You know mom's gonna call here.
I'm a total dick if I leave here.
Just tell mom I'm on my way up.
She's just
gonna call back.
Come on, when do I ever
ask you for anything?
All right,
you better stay there.
Be home on time tomorrow.
I don't want any shit from mom.
Frida, why do you and Diego
have separate houses?
Because we are
two different people,
but our love
makes us into one.
- Hello?
- Mead, hi.
Is your brother there?
He's not answering his cell.
- I know, he's asleep.
- What?
I probably shouldn't be telling you
this, but he was pretty zapped.
I knew it.
Is he all right?
Mom, he's fine.
Just wait until you
have children.
Not me,
I'm never having kids.
So, how are
things going?
We're in the middle
of a movie, Mom.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Good night.
Good night.
Come on, light
the fucker up.
- Give me the lighter.
- It's on the table.
All right,
go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go!
Go! Hold it!
Hold it!
Open up, it's me.
Come on, open
the fucking door!
Where's the patient?
I got a new easel, new oils,
I'm ready to go.
Salut.
Oh, the wedding? Wh... what, do you
got everybody outside?
- Ushers and everybody? Bring 'em in...
- It's a fucking disaster.
- What?
- Somebody hit us.
They stole all
the fucking cars.
I had to sedate my own
little girl at her wedding.
Jesus.
Yeah, they had one of those... what do
you call it, those car carrier things?
And it was a very well
coordinated operation.
The cops are on it, but how much faith
have I got in that?
You gotta help me
before they're chopped!
I'm not really
in that business, Ira.
Asa's brother's Benz was taken.
This special thing.
I'm fucking gernischt in Asa's eyes now.
Can't you do anything?
- I mean, make some calls?
- All that shit's insured.
He's obsessed with that car,
this fucking Stew guy.
The asshole paid a $30,000
premium just to place the fucking order.
His glasses,
his daybook were in it.
AJ, it's your mother.
Call me.
It's my mother.
I told you I can't put you through.
Room 417 has a block on the line.
I am not waiting.
Who knows what's going on?
God help you if anything happens
like those children in Westchester.
Don't!
No, don't answer it.
My face is stuck
to the rug.
Oh, they fuckin'
crazy-glued you.
Housekeeping!
Oh, fuck, what should we do?
We're asleep!
All right, help me.
Ow, ow!
- Ow! Dude, take it easy.
- I'm trying.
Ahh ow, fuck.
Oh, dude!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck me.
Hello.
Hi, yeah, it's me.
AJ stayed in the city with his friends
last night and he's not home yet.
- And I can't get in touch with him.
- Take it easy. Slow down.
He's probably just
sleeping it off.
No, I called Todd's mother
and Todd came home.
He could be dead by now,
O.D.'d, God knows what else.
- God, why did I let him go?
- He's all right.
I'll take care of it.
Give me the number of the hotel.
It's the Hudson Suites
on the Westside.
Tony, just go there. I am... I'm so
worried I'm not even angry anymore.
All right, all right,
I'm on my way.
Anthony?
God damn you! I have been going
crazy trying to reach you.
- Later. I don't feel good.
- What happened to your face?
- Just leave me alone.
- I want to know what happened!
You never went to Meadow's
after you gave me your word!
- Get off my back.
- You are a liar!
- Fuck you.
- What did you say?!
Get back here!
Ow!
Puritan Salvage.
The big guy's looking for a consignment
from a wedding in Ringwood last night.
Nothing came in here.
This Benz, SL55,
he wants it pulled.
I'll make some calls.
- Where is he?
- In his room.
What happened
to your leg?
He lied to me, Tony,
which means that they both lied.
She's covering for him.
It's what sisters are supposed to do.
Of course, right.
- He cursed at me. Oh my God.
- What did he say?
- He's asleep.
- Not anymore.
Oh, hey, Dad.
I was just taking out the trash.
It's garbage day tomorrow.
- What's different about you?
- He has no eyebrows, Tony!
- Who did this?
- We were just screwing around.
- What'd you say to your mother?
- Tony...
What did you say?
I said the "F" word.
You're finished.
You're never gonna drive that car
till you're 45 years old.
I'm selling it tomorrow!
She wouldn't let me talk,
I was trying to tell her what happened.
- Oh see, it's my fault.
- All right, let's hear it.
Well, I was gonna go to Meadow's
but there weren't any cabs.
I didn't think you'd want me standing
in the street at 11:30 at night.
- We were right by the hotel.
- Enough of your lying.
- I am not lying!
- Look at your face!
If you've got some kind
of sexual proclivity
with that teacher or whatever,
now is the time to tell us!
What went on up there?
Poppers and weird sex?
What? No!
Look, we don't do drugs,
we're not some stupid dopers.
I had a few beers,
but it just made me sick.
- How can anybody believe what you say?
- Because I told you!
You never believe me.
- You had a couple beers?
- Yeah.
- You didn't do any drugs.
- No!
Carmela, look it...
a couple of beers.
Should be grounded, yeah,
but it's not the end of the world.
What?
You know what?
I am sick of your bullshit.
Both of you!
- He can go live with you.
- Don't get dramatic now, all right?
- What? Great, good.
- Shut up!
I have never been
more serious in my life.
Take out the trash,
go outside.
What are we gonna do,
really?
What did I just say?
- No, I mean really, come on.
- Did you think I was joking?
Carmela, this is
normal teenage shit.
You remember us?
The C.Y.O. Dance.
We left Artie out in the snow,
he almost lost his fingers.
And we still laugh
our asses off about it.
No, I don't really blame AJ He's doing
exactly what he's supposed to.
He's testing the limits as much
as he can. I blame myself.
What are you
talking about?
You don't know what it's like to have
your son hate your guts.
- He doesn't hate your guts.
- Oh, thank God he's alive.
It's my fault, Tony.
My pathetic need to compete with you
clouded my judgment
or I never would have let him stay
in New York. I knew he wasn't ready.
I went against
all of my instincts.
His eyebrows'll grow back!
Nothing really happened!
No, you know what happened?
I said fuck it. And you know why?
To get him to love me
as much as he loves you.
He loves you,
it's just...
you're his mother,
it's different.
I can't be
the villain anymore.
I mean it.
And I can't say fuck it.
Take him. Let him
live with you.
Homina-homina-
homina-homina.
- Ed Norton?
- Ed Norton?
No, I'm terribly
sorry, Mr. Kramden.
No, the correct answer
is Stephen Foster. But thanks so much.
You've been a wonderful contestant
and a swell sport.
Goodbye,
Mr. Kramden.
He's here.
Hey, tarall's,
expiration date 2007.
Put 'em over there.
Have a seat.
Uh-oh.
Sounds serious.
You have anything to do with
that wedding takedown in Ringwood?
Why, is that a problem?
I told you that doctor
was a friend of mine.
I deliberately
used that word.
Are you aware of how many things
a fucking M.D. can do for us?
Sorry, Godfather, he was at the game.
I thought he was just another pigeon.
Who authorized
you to do it?
And don't call me Godfather
with that fucking cute smirk.
I know I was away
for a long time,
but when did that happen, you gotta ask
permission to ply your trade?
Here's your end, be happy.
When were you gonna tell me
about it if I hadn't called you here?
I'm here now!
I'm telling you about it now!
That's the second time
I'm playing catch-up with you.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- The lawn cutting.
Do I have to send you a memo
every time I move my bowels too?
You're so concerned
about my end,
why didn't you put one of those cars
through my shops?
What?
Johnny Sack told me
about this guy in Newburgh.
- Johnny Sack?
- Yeah, Johnny Sack.
Anyway, he gave me a better deal
for shipping them whole.
Are you fucking serious?
I don't like the way
I'm being talked to here.
What did I tell you when you came to me,
said you wanted back in?
I said as long as you don't
step on anybody's toes.
- In my day...
- That's another thing.
I don't wanna hear no more
about how it was in your day.
You just keep your anecdotes
to local color,
like Dynaflows, or McGuire Sisters,
shit like that.
Otherwise,
shut the fuck up!
Jesus Christ, Feech,
I'm tryin' to ease your transition here
and this is
the thanks I get?
I'm sorry
if I offended you.
You gotta remember, Tony,
I still think of you as a kid.
I'll learn.
Yeah?
Yeah.
That's funny.
Come here.
Aw, shit.
We all right?
Just...
get the SL55
back, okay?
Maybe I was
too hard on that guy.
Did I learn nothing
from Richie Aprile?
Huh?
- Nip it in the bud.
- Feech?
- He's well liked, T.
- That's another thing.
All right, well, don't be so hard
on yourself though.
- Hey, Olsen and Johnson.
- How you doing?
Stopped by the bakery,
they said you left already.
That's the Canali suit
I promised you.
He said you should try on the jacket,
see how the sleeves are.
How's that?
How's that?
I look better than Sinatra.
- Very nice.
- All right.
Hey, I'm having my wine and peaches.
You want?
No thanks,
we gotta get going.
- I'll try some peaches.
- Good.
Peaches are from fucking New Zealand.
They're great. I'll get you a glass.
No, we should go,
we should go...
- take care of that thing.
- It can't wait?
Where the fuck you going?
Come on, sit down.
No, we gotta do this shit. You don't
wanna know, it's all fucked up.
What?
My imbecile cousin, he was welding
his boat trailer, burns down his garage.
Now we got no place
to park the truck that we got.
What's wrong
with the street?
Georgia peaches,
those are considered the best.
See, he don't want me
to know what's in the truck.
Flat screen TVs.
50-inch plasma Philipses.
Guy's coming down from Montreal,
but he got delayed a couple of days.
I got a garage
right here.
My cousin's mother's got a place,
we can lock it up there.
Park the load here, this way I'm around.
Keep my glims on the stuff.
- How much you gonna want for that?
- Two.
Fuck you, Feech.
It's fucking parking.
You gotta kick in a TV.
I thought I had a plan
for Anthony, but l...
I'm not so sure now.
I don't know if Rutgers'
summer program
accepts boys
without eyebrows.
So you heard about that?
I was a wreck.
I mean look what happened
to those girls just driving to school.
We brought in
grief counselors.
How's Anthony
coping with that?
I have to say
he never mentioned it.
They all handle
tragedy differently.
Actually, he just moved
in with his father.
- I don't know if he said.
- Really?
I don't know what you might
have heard about my husband.
Some.
I mean, he's a good father,
don't get me wrong.
Our daughter
is at Columbia.
My friends tell me I'm a snob
with this college business,
but with Anthony
it's something else.
I just know that if he didn't get into
a good enough school to interest him,
and he dropped out,
went to work as a waiter or something,
he wouldn't last
a week.
You know, he would be drawn
right in... you know.
My husband doesn't
want that for him either.
You met him.
My husband can be very magnetic,
you know,
bigger than life.
And I was so young.
It was very exciting.
Anyway, he's over there.
Maybe it'll be good,
you know,
learning the things
that men need to know.
Well...
Anyway, so what about you?
How long have you been at the school?
Since '86.
I suppose that's what caught
me up too, with Astrid.
Some notion of escaping
the quotidian.
- So you were married.
- For about, uh... five minutes.
Chicken Marsala.
- And the honey balsamic chicken.
- Thank you.
- Have you read "Madame Bovary"?
- No.
It's almost
a perfect novel.
Flaubert writes about bourgeois
loneliness and emptiness.
Emma Bovary destroys herself
for some fantasy in her head.
It's great.
It's truly, truly great.
Somehow horrifically funny,
though tragic.
I think you might
enjoy it.
I'll stop by Borders
on my way home.
- Who is it by again?
- Gustave Flaubert.
Yeah?
Supervisor Curran,
parole board.
Site visit.
Where's
Eddie Stimich?
He's out sick.
I just wanna take a look around.
Only thing better about here
than Russia is the food.
Good one.
Eddie examined every fucking
dust bunny in the place just last week.
Is that new?
Uh...
bequest.
Friend of mine,
passed away.
Is that your garage?
Nah, it's where I make the weapons
of mass destruction.
Let's go out
and open it up.
You wanna see
my fucking garage?
You never seen
an oil stain before?
Let's go.
Here's the windup.
And the pitch...
- Ah!
- Come on!
Fuck Major League
Baseball.
Ever since the fucking strike.
Let's watch ballet.
Oh, somebody
hotboxed us?
- I saw you close the window.
- What's that?
It's when you close
the windows and fart on purpose.
That's a Dutch oven.
- No, in bed it's a Dutch oven.
- What's a Dutch oven?
You fart in bed with a woman then force
her head under the covers.
That's awesome.
- First you gotta be in bed with one.
- You'd be surprised.
- Whoa.
- Ooh.
Yeah, I would.
Oh my God!
What...
Jesus!
That's enough.
Go upstairs, do your Spanish homework.
- In 15 minutes.
- No, now.
And he goes down looking.
The end of the inning.
Just got the call.
They put him on
a corrections bus this morning.
This was the better move
than taking him out.
- The man was a legend.
- Christopher agrees, by the way.
Well, that's nice
that he agrees.
But I'm not running
a fucking popularity contest.
Mommy!
Look at me!
Anthony!
# You woke up
this morning #
# Got yourself a gun #
# Your momma always said
you'd be the Chosen One #
# She said you're...
you're one in a million #
# You've got
to burn to shine #
# But you were
born under a bad sign #
# With a blue moon
in your eyes #
# When you
woke up this morning #
# And all that love
had gone #
# Your papa never
told you about #
# Right and wrong #
# But you're...
you're lookin' good, baby #
# I believe that
you're feelin' fine #
# Shame about it,
born under a bad sign #
# With a blue moon
in your eyes #
- # So sing it now #
- # Woke up this morning #
# Got a blue moon...
got a blue moon in your eyes, yeah #
# Woke up this morning #
# You say you woke up
this morning #
# The world
turned upside down #
# Lordy, well,
things ain't been the same #
# Since the blues
walked in our town #
# But you're... but you're
one in a million #
# 'Cause you got that
shotgun shine #
# Shame about it,
born under a bad sign #
# With a blue moon
in your eyes, yeah #
# Woke up
this morning #
- # Uh-huh #
- # And got yourself a gun #
- # Woke up this morning #
- # Got yourself a gun #
- # Uh-huh #
- # Got yourself a gun. #
- Dad.
- Hey.
What are
you doing here?
Well, I got
an office here.
- You come down with Finn?
- And some people.
Promise me no drinkin'
and drivin'.
Who's your
designated driver?
I'm not the one with all
the dents in their car.
All right,
have fun, huh?
Need some money?
Have a good time,
sweetheart.
Be careful!
- You see Meadow?
- Yeah, I wish I knew she was here.
I wonder what the fuck
she's thinkin'.
I'm sorry, Ton'. Some kid
had a seizure upstairs,
- it's been a horrible night.
- Hey, Ton',
Vito and Gene just called,
they're five minutes away.
We're leaving.
Here. All right, call 'em
and tell 'em to meet us
at Bud's Butter Bun
on Broadway and 18th.
All right.
Did I just
see your father?
He's got
an office here.
Saturday night?
That's dedication.
The guy sure can
put in the hours.
Let's go
someplace else.
Tony's spendin'
so much time at the club.
Do you think that might have
something to do with you?
Oh, if you think
I'm gonna blow this guy
for your sick purposes
you are sadly mistaken.
So go on about this phone call
the other night.
It was just some guy
with a Southern accent.
Christopher
grabbed the phone,
he yelled at him
for callin' the house,
- said he'd see him down there.
- Down where?
Did you check
the log on his cell?
Not since I almost
got caught doin' that,
and I am not
doin' it again.
Wait till he goes
into the shower.
See if there's
a 4-0-4 or 3-3-6,
and memorize any other numbers
you don't recognize.
- What's the matter?
- I got to go to the bathroom.
- I know, you said.
- No, I-I got to go.
- Number two.
- I'll take you to your car.
No, I got to go now.
Oh my God.
You okay?
We're almost there.
Try to relax.
Don't you got a general
anesthetic or somethin'?
This lidocaine
doesn't do much.
We are... done.
Jan, want to do
your thing?
Just keep
a little pressure.
All right.
I'm gonna get this
down to the lab,
see what's what.
Okay.
There we go.
- You okay?
- You think he got it all?
We hope so. Meantime,
there's a canteen on Level L.
I'll let you know when
the results come back.
Does having a bowel movement
relieve the pain?
Yeah.
Would you describe
the diarrhea
- as loose or liquid?
- Liquid.
But this is gettin'
so I'm afraid
to be away
from the toilet.
I'm so scared
I'm gonna have an accident.
- Is this tender?
- No.
Sit up.
- How's your personal life?
- What do you mean?
Well, sometimes GI disturbances
are stress-related.
Is there anything unusual
that might be giving you the jimjams?
I just want somethin'
for my stomach
so I can quit
goin' to the bathroom.
That's what's
givin' me stress.
Why don't you get dressed?
We'll talk in my office.
I hear you're spending time
with today's youth.
You lost me.
Meadow said she saw you
at Adriana's club.
I got to explain my business to you now?
After so many years?
- No, it's your life, Tony.
- Got that right.
What did you do to your head?
Did you fall again?
Banged it on the medicine chest.
Don't worry 'bout it.
It's nothin'.
There's your allowance.
Now that actually
looks like fruit.
Yeah, it's so hard.
What do you
do it for?
Irritable bowel syndrome?
He'll know more when
the tests come back.
I still got to bring him
a stool sample.
Jesus, please.
You were the one who yelled
at me to go to the doctor.
I got to know
every detail?
I could be really sick,
Christopher.
Yeah, my Aunt Josephine
had colon cancer.
Her whole asshole
rotted out.
I may have
to go into therapy.
Plus, they're gonna
put me on Prozac.
For diarrhea?
To help me cope
and handle stress,
which is a lot
of what causes it.
What do you got to
be stressed about?
That bar?
War, Christopher?
The Middle East?
You don't listen
to the President?
We're gonna mop the floor
with the whole fuckin' world.
The whole world's
gonna be under our control,
so what are you
worked up about?
Oh, give me the Orioles
over the Tigers for two,
and the Jays over
the Rangers, three G's.
I'm just gettin'
my day planner.
No, I'm done.
My stupid car.
5,000 miles
and the alternator's goin'.
What about you?
Mimi said you went to the doctor.
I've been havin'
trouble with my stomach,
that's why I'm drinkin'
White Russians.
What, you got
ulcers already?
- It's called IBS.
- What's that?
Irritable bowel syndrome.
My mother had that
all her life.
See this?
- Yeah, I noticed that. What happened?
- It's cancer.
- What?
- Yeah, squamous.
Oh my God,
that's terrible.
Well, they think they got it all.
Knock wood.
Just cancer.
The things that run
through your head, you know?
- Sure.
- I got a top guy, though...
Katz.
Hesh recommended him,
naturally.
So this...
disease you got.
What causes it?
I did a Google on it
and like the doctor, too.
They all say a lot
of it's psychological.
So on top of everything,
now I'm a head case.
No, come on,
stop blamin' yourself.
Christopher
don't want to know,
but not that I blame him.
I got to take off.
AJ should be comin' home
from his volleyball thing.
Listen, don't say
anything to anybody, okay?
People hear cancer,
they start to bury you already.
And you don't tell
anybody what I told you.
All right, take care
of yourself.
Say hi to Anthony.
- Yeah.
- You're such a good father.
I wish my dad
had been like that.
Good night, dear.
It's a straight shot
on l-95 to Raleigh.
You give this shit
to the fence,
I'll meet you
in Winston-Salem,
we'll load up the cigs
and come home.
We're pickin' up
so many cigarettes,
why don't we instead of two vans
rent a deuce and a half?
You know,
share the drivin'.
Because the cops...
The van's under the radar.
- Eric Estrada over here.
- You forgot your folic acid.
What is
all this stuff?
A beauty parlor chair?
If they even heard of
electrolysis down there.
- Where are you goin'?
- Jesus Christ, go back to bed.
What the fuck's
your problem?
My fuckin' tooth
is killin' me.
Well, you should
go back to the dentist.
Why do you have
to go anyway?
Can't they just
drop this stuff off?
Tony wants me to talk
to the guy down there.
The jerk you were
yellin' at on the phone?
Is that the cigarette thing
you were talkin' about?
Six different kinds of dope you get
to take for a stomach-ache,
I got an impaction, I can't take shit
besides oil of clove, 'cause I'm sober.
I know, it's hard. I'm sorry.
Have a nice trip.
- I love you, call me.
- She's got diarrhea.
Whoops.
You want?
Aw, twist my arm.
I'm expectin' some guys
from New York, so...
No problem.
I got plenty to do out there.
- Ah. Who's this on?
- Please. It's called "The Lost Boys."
Sil's been raggin' on me all week
for me to play 'em here.
Their manager or somebody
owes him money.
So, I thought
this was your day off.
Chrissy's away.
I don't like
stayin' home alone.
Although, at least
I can pour a glass of wine
without him givin' me
"the expression."
Yeah. Yeah, I know
that look.
The constipated owl look.
You know, when I first
met you I was scared of you.
Really?
Yeah, but I'm scared
of everybody.
It's always
my first reaction.
Well, you're not scared
of me now, are you?
No.
You want to shoot?
Huh?
Make it interesting,
say a buck a game.
Mmm?
No, it's the round thing
in the middle there.
How you feelin'?
Everything all right in here now?
- Your stomach all right?
- I know what you're doin'.
Don't distract me.
Oh.
- Ho!
- Hmm.
I've been hustled.
- Did I get your toe?
- No. No, no, no.
I'm so sorry.
Come on, get up.
Come on.
Aw, shit.
All right.
Wait.
Yeah, go on.
- Tony here?
- Yeah, come on in.
Hey.
Let me know
if you guys need anything.
What, are you gonna tell me
about the traffic again?
Here, our friend
sent this for you.
Thank you for taking
the appointment.
And I know
I'm on probation,
and I deeply regret...
what I did.
My nephew's fiancee.
I know what
you're thinking.
So?
Well, nothing happened,
but it could've
very easily.
I mean,
she really got to me,
this young lady.
She, uh...
What?
This is
a very big step.
Yeah, tell me
about it.
I mean, that you've come here
to talk about this impulse
instead of just acting
on it without thinking.
No, I always think.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Having sex with
your mistress' cousin,
like the mistress wasn't enough
to piss off your wife.
Tell me
about the niece.
She's drop-dead gorgeous.
Someone like her
I could...
I could do it
right this time,
I could start
a whole new family.
I'm young enough.
Fuck 'em all.
And this is something
you're contemplating?
What? It would be
a disaster
of major proportions.
Carmela... I'd get
hosed financially.
There would be no reasoning
with her after that.
And my nephew,
it would kill him...
after years of grooming him
to be my number two.
And it would be very bad
for the girl.
She doesn't
deserve that.
I mean, I'm not stupid.
I know part of it's this
father-figure thing...
you know, on account
of hers ran off.
It would be like committing
an act of symbolic incest.
Whatever.
Look, what am I
gonna do?
I got lucky
the first time,
'cause I was able
to control myself,
- but you only get one of those.
- Rationalizing.
"I can't control myself."
You can.
I don't know.
It's different for women.
It's all about up here with them.
She could make
a play for you.
You might want
to think about
how you're going to establish
limits and boundaries.
For example,
you could tell her she
means a great deal to you,
but you think of her
as a daughter.
Even if I want to
fuck her brains out.
This is a milestone
for you.
You're at a very
important crossroads.
For once you want to avoid
doing something
you know is wrong
and would be destructive
both to yourself
and to the people
you care about.
That's growth.
That's progress.
Just tell me what
I'm supposed to do.
You have to be
honest with yourself.
I know this is
a powerful urge,
but if you can't
keep it in your pants,
you have to
stay away from her.
You know...
not long ago,
you stood
in my outer office.
I recall you used the words
"drop-dead gorgeous" about me
and how you
had to have me.
I said I wouldn't date you,
and look, you survived.
What a horrible
fucking job you have.
How do you do it?
But what happens
now is your choice.
Act and create
a bed of misery,
or you can look at this
as a chance to do something good.
You say
she respects you.
Be worthy of respect.
See if you can remain
a friend to this woman,
a help to her.
You know,
Tony had ducks one time...
in his pool.
You need to find out
where Chris went.
I'm getting
this vibe from him.
Who? Tony?
He's really nice.
He listens.
He's kind of attractive...
definitely an alpha male...
but what if Christopher
found out?
What?
I'm not gonna fuck him.
Then, what are you
talking about?
I love Christopher, and sooner
or later we're gonna get out
from under all this shit
and leave this fucking state.
Jesus Christ.
She's a good-looking woman,
and she wants
to fuck Barney Rubble?
"Well, we really don't know him.
He listens."
Excuse me,
is this seat taken?
- Tony, hi.
- Hey. How you doing?
Well, why I'm here,
Patsy's bringing somebody by,
- I'm gonna need to use the office.
- No problem.
I made a resolution.
I got to start spending
a lot more time on the floor.
Crack the whip.
I'm beat,
tell you the truth.
I think I'm gonna grab
40 winks till Patsy gets here.
Wait, you don't have
Chrissy's cell, do you?
He called but he didn't
leave a new number.
He'll probably
try you again.
He's due back tomorrow.
Oh, excuse me.
- I'll come back.
- No, I'm all right.
This mole back there looked
irregular around the margins.
Every time I see anything now,
I think I got melanoma.
I can imagine.
Hi, it's Adriana
at The Crazy Horse.
Yeah, I need
a car, please.
Just tell him
to wait outside.
What, your car still?
Yeah, they're replacing
the alternator.
You want a belt?
What I could
really use is some...
I wouldn't say no.
Get me motivated
to clean the house
before Christopher gets back,
except I'm all out.
It's 2:00, Cross-Eyed Billy probably
left the Bing already.
I know a guy, Andre,
he's always up.
Well, cancel the car,
I'll give you a ride.
You know who thinks
you're cute...
is Marlene.
She's got to be over 30,
isn't she?
She's 31.
You know who you
ought to introduce me to
is that friend a yours.
Who?
The one you brought over
to the house that time.
Tall, kind of blondish,
brownish hair...
- Danielle from Whippany.
- She's dead.
What?
Yeah, she drowned
on a picnic.
Oh.
You know, I thought I picked up on
something between her and me.
I'm not trying
to be conceited.
Tony!
I've reviewed your chart
and ruled out internal injuries,
so you're free to go.
I'll have the nurse
process your discharge orders.
Whoa, whoa.
This was a very bad accident.
Are you sure you
did all the tests?
I can afford it.
I did the appropriate tests.
I have a medical degree
from Johns Hopkins.
My grandmother was
the first black woman licensed
to practice medicine
in Delaware.
All right, take it easy.
The young lady
that I was with,
they said she was okay,
but could I see her?
Ade.
- Hi.
- Hi.
They say you're
gonna be fine,
they just want to keep
you here for observation.
You know,
be on the safe side.
I don't even remember
what happened.
There was a raccoon
in the road,
I swerved.
- How's your car?
- Escalade?
It's totaled.
Probably saved our life.
Are you okay?
Yeah, they're gonna
let me go.
I want to go too.
Chrissy's coming
home today.
We should probably
talk about that.
Oh.
Yeah.
Right.
Dude, how you doing?
I hit the fucking
mother-lode.
20 Gs of product a week.
Little Paulie's behind me
- with the other half.
- Fuck me.
Now, 20% of this load, they can stamp
the packs for the vending machines.
The rest, the cartons can
go straight to the bodegas,
let them worry
about the stamps.
I'm beat.
I'm gonna hit
the fucking rack,
have Ade cook me up
a nice carbonara.
What's the matter?
Don't know how to tell you,
but Adriana's in the hospital.
- She was in an accident.
- What? When?
Last night
around 2:00.
Jesus Christ, what happened?
Is she all right?
She got banged up,
but she's gonna be okay.
The drinking and driving...
I told her!
- Where is she?
- Mount Mercy in Dover.
- Dover?
- Apparently they swerved
- to avoid a deer in the road.
- They?
- Her and Tony.
- Tony? Soprano?
- Uh-huh.
- Is he all right?
Not a scratch.
The fucking luck on this guy.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, Dover.
Right, she's got an aunt she's close
to out there who's been sick.
She's friends
with Tony's aunt.
All right, somebody
take me to get my car.
I better
get over there.
Fabio, put it up!
Thought I'd die in there
without a cigarette.
What, so you're
just not gonna talk?
I almost got killed,
Christopher.
I'm just curious.
What the fuck were you doing
in the middle of the night
in the middle of nowhere
in a car with my uncle?
He was driving me home.
- Fucking Dover?
- We were talking.
W-we were going
to get something to eat.
I get off of work,
I don't want to go right home.
You weren't
even there.
No, I was
in a fucking Ride-A-Rent
busting my ass with a bunch
of rednecks making a living,
to buy you
alcohol and coke
and all the other shit
you shovel into your mouth!
2:00 in the fucking morning?!
Don't fucking lie to me!
I can't stand it!
Nothing was going on,
Christopher!
- I should've made you walk home!
- I swear to God.
You know how this looks?
Don't talk to me!
Shut your mouth!
You wanted
to see me?
- Is Adriana okay?
- She's fine.
People who don't clean up
after their pets...
Pop this in that basket
for me, will you?
It's blind luck,
that accident.
Cop told me he thought
he was coming up
on a fatality
when he saw the car.
I would be thinking
the same thing if I were you,
but it's not true.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Her car was
in the shop,
I was driving her
home from work,
that's all.
We were looking
to get a burger.
In Dover.
What difference
does it make?
You don't seem to give
a shit she almost died.
She could've been paralyzed
or scarred up,
and you got a puss on?
What were you doing out there
alone in a car with my fiancee?
We were talking about you,
you selfish prick,
and how you're the best thing
that ever happened to her.
Oh, you don't think this
fucking devastates me?
Well, frankly, you scored
so far over your head
when you got her,
what do you expect?
What the fuck are you
talking about?
She's a knockout,
a 10,
and look at you.
You're average at best,
so you better reconcile
yourself with that,
or you're gonna be fucking
paranoid your whole life.
Oh, so this is
my fucking fault now?
Nothing happened,
and I'm not gonna say it again!
And you should've married
that girl two years ago.
Everybody knows you've been
the biggest fucking cooze hound
around the past
four or five years.
Your mid-life crisis.
You'd fuck
a catcher's mitt.
On everything
I hold sacred,
on my children,
there's nothing going on
between me and Adriana.
Tony walked away
without a scratch,
but Adriana suffered
a severe blow to the head.
Adriana got caught giving
the big guy a blowjob.
And when the paramedics
found them,
she had his cock
still in her mouth.
Now, statistics show that
most single-car fatalities
are the result of guys popping
their load behind the wheel.
Apparently, he came
all over the sun visor.
Sanseverino.
Guess who went down
on Tony Soprano.
That's the truth.
It's fact.
If it was my old lady,
the next thing she would suck
- is a tailpipe.
- That pretty little trim
can suck this pipe
anytime she wants.
Like you would
ever have a shot.
Hey, let me
tell you something.
When Christopher was
in rehab,
she was calling me
all the time.
- I was this close.
- Then you got a problem,
'cause your braciole
isn't even that long.
What's so funny?
Nothing.
Didn't sound like nothing,
I want to hear the big joke.
Take it easy,
we're just shooting the shit.
We were just talking
about my braciole.
- Oh yeah, what about it?
- So, deal you in, huh?
I asked him
a fucking question.
What are you breaking
my balls for?
I want a fucking answer.
What's so fucking hilarious,
- you fucking parade float?
- Oh!
I'm a fucking
captain now.
You don't talk
to me like that!
- Oh, come on, guys.
- Don't put your hands on me!
- Chrissy, for Christ's sake!
- Fuck all of youse!
- Oh! Whoa, whoa!
- Motherfucker!
- Hold it.
- Easy.
Vinar, Jimmy,
please join me.
So talk to me, guys,
how do we look in these?
Hey, hon.
I already ate.
- There's a casserole in...
- You fucking lying bitch!
Ow! Stop it!
What are you doing?!
You were sucking his cock!
Georgie told me everything!
The surgeon
on the operating table
said you were
moaning Tony's name!
- What are you talking about?!
- You fucking lied to me!
What were you doing
in Dover then?
See?
You can't tell me,
'cause I know what you were doing!
Your other dope dealer's there.
I remembered,
go ahead, deny it!
Okay! I was going out
to see Andre,
but I wasn't sucking anybody's cock!
How could you say that?
Oh, so you two
were just gonna go toot up
a bunch of lines,
go fucking birdwatching?
Oh, you son of a bitch.
I was gonna stay up all night
and clean this
fucking shithole!
Everybody knows about it!
Everybody's talking about it!
- No, please!
- You want me to use you, bitch!
- You're fucking killing me!
- No, I don't, I love you!
Stop it.
- You motherfucker!
- Fucking whore.
Ow, my neck!
Get the fuck out of here!
I never want
to see you again!
I thought you had
an algebra test.
- Oh, chill out.
- What did you say?
Well, look, I studied
for 45 minutes straight,
don't I get a break?
Hi. What's up?
Oh, AJ,
how's it going?
Hey, Uncle Tony.
Did I come
at a bad time?
I need
to talk to you.
AJ, go upstairs, study.
- Well, what about the pizza?
- Now!
Study.
All right,
what's up?
I went to the Belleville Tavern
after work,
and Larry
down there said
our little cousin was
in there all fucked up.
Somebody told him what
was going on in the car.
There was nothing
going on in the car.
No, of course not,
but he thinks there was,
so he started drinking again,
he beat up Adriana
and he threw her out
of the fucking house.
Where's his fucking
self-control, this guy?
Little Paulie's out there
looking for him to rein him in,
but he was saying some
crazy things about you.
Oh, this goddamn kid.
Christopher's not
right in the head, Ton'.
Who the fuck knows
what he's capable of?
Well, he knows
where to find me.
You see him
you tell him that.
I got to use your john.
Get you
a day early, huh?
I'll go to the store
in the morning.
Look, relax.
Go whenever you want.
What the hell
is wrong with him?
What do you want, Tony?
He couldn't bring this in himself?
I can't even come in
and say hello?
What you want is to know if I heard
the disgusting shit they're saying.
At least have the guts
to come out and ask me.
- It isn't true.
- You know what? Fuck you!
Fuck me? Fuck you!
- You got to put your son in hiding
because of your
fucking philandering?
Afraid he'll get caught
in the crossfire? Your own son?
Christopher's upset,
that's all.
He could come over.
He could say some things
- that a kid shouldn't hear.
- Just please leave.
I don't even
want to look at you.
Motherfucker!
Motherfucking gun!
Give me two.
This kid ain't
gonna show up, T.
He's probably
in some gutter.
Yeah, hopefully
he's wore himself down.
Where are you,
you fuck!
He's got a gun!
I know you're
up there, motherfucker!
You know what
to do down there!
You're fucking lucky!
You're fucking lucky I ran out of loads!
Shut up,
you little cock,
- or I'll split your fucking wishbone.
- It's all over.
Everybody,
enjoy the evening.
Unhappy customer.
Let me the fuck go!
I'll kill all of youse!
I'll fucking kill
all of youse!
You draw down on the boss
of a fucking family?
- Huh?!
- You lied to me!
You were scoring coke with her!
She admitted it!
So what?! I can't relieve stress
every once in a while?!
I don't got enough
fucking problems?
You sent me
to North Carolina
so you could fuck
my girlfriend.
What kind of fucking animal
you think I am, huh?
The thought never
even entered my head!
You're a man!
You're alone in a car with her...
You fucking pushed me to this.
You pushed me to this!
Way I see it, he must've known
the gun was empty.
Look what he pumped
into your car.
What are you trying
to say, Paulie?!
What the fuck
you trying to say, huh?!
Either you
tell me right now
that you can take it
into your heart
that I did not
do this shit...
or this is
as far as we go.
- Motherfucker.
- Tony, come on!
- Listen to somebody else for a change.
- Fuck him.
Tony, try it my way.
Listen to me.
Mister... Sorriano,
- what seems to be the matter?
- Soprano.
I'm fine. It's my friend here
who needs to talk to you.
You know where
ER admitting is?
Look, you got someplace
maybe we could talk?
It's 3:00 A.M., and I just finished
a 17-hour rotation.
Any gunshot wounds
or broken kneecaps?
Two minutes.
You're an excellent doctor,
that's why I brought him here.
Come on.
This gentleman here
is the fiance
of the young lady
that I was with.
Now, he's got it
into his head
that there was oral sex going on
at the time of the wreck.
- Listen, l...
- Hey, hey, hey!
Just a second.
Naturally,
he's very upset,
so I need you
to tell him there wasn't.
He's obviously
feeling the pressure,
he's just gonna
fucking lie.
I'm not in the custom
of lying about anything,
but whether somebody
was getting
something in the car,
how could I possibly
attest to that?
Well, as the attending,
you could explain
- how medically it's not possible.
- Excuse me?
If she was wearing her seatbelt,
then there would have been abrasions
to the lateral anterior aspect
of the clavicle, wouldn't there?
Or the right
mid-sternum?
Are you a physician?
No, I'm a pre-board certified
massage therapist.
So did she have any
of those kind of things?
Actually, yes,
on the right clavicle
and the sternum just above
the xiphoid process
which would indicate
an upright position
at the moment of impact.
So what he's saying is
that she was sitting up.
All right.
Thank you, doctor.
Come on.
For the kids,
the Make-A-Wish Foundation,
whatever... here.
Thank you!
What do you
want from me?
I guess
I believe you.
All right.
You threw food at Vito.
That's got to be resolved.
He was fucking laughing,
which was wrong.
But at this point now,
it don't make no difference.
Even if it wasn't true,
it's what people think.
They know you were out there
scoring coke with her.
What do you care
what people think?
You know the truth.
I got to live
in the world.
And now I look
like Joe Jerkoff.
No, no, no, no.
You know what?
I might as well
have fucked her.
Thanks.
Hello?
I rang the doorbell
six times.
- Nobody answered.
- What are you doing here?
I want to talk to you.
If you came to pick
him up, he's not going.
Oh, so you believe all that
shit they're saying, huh?
Am I that horrible?
Really?
Where there's smoke,
there's fire.
I don't know
what you did.
What's gonna happen when
your children hear about this?
- Meadow already suspects you.
- Suspects what?
She saw you at the club.
She said she thought you were coked out.
What are you talking about?
I don't do drugs.
She knows about the accident.
What do you think she's gonna think?
And with Anthony
at that age?
Oh, come on, the kids!
The kids... It's about you!
Fine, so it's
all about me!
What, do I mean
nothing to you?!
That I got to live with this
swirling around me?
Forget about what they're saying,
I'm asking you.
You think I'd have
sexual relations with her?
Adriana, who's gonna be
a member of this family?!
Now I want you
to answer me truthfully.
Look, I know I haven't
been a fucking saint, all right?
And you got plenty of issues
of your own on that subject.
But you haven't exactly
been a fucking saint yourself.
No, no, no, no, no,
come here.
You think I would go near
that girl like that?
Thank you.
Look, I'm asking you
to pull with me
to put a good face
on this thing.
For the sake of the kids
and this family.
I got to bail
you out?
It's never-ending,
your bullshit.
Use a fucking
crosswalk!
Jesus Christ.
Don't get
all excited.
Most of it's
from the accident.
- You okay?
- What do you fucking think?
Kicked out
of my house,
I may have ulcerated colitis
and you call me up.
We'd like your permission to put
a listening device in your business.
This relationship with Tony
could net us a lot of chatter.
Don't forget,
it's him we're after.
There is
no relationship!
The faster we get Tony
and put him away,
the sooner you can
get on with your life.
We can get a court order
to install a device anyway,
- but this will make our lives simpler.
- Fuck you.
I do enough
for you people.
You're not
bugging my club.
Adriana...
it's a syndrome,
protecting abusers.
If it would've been Christopher
alone in a car with a woman,
I would've killed him.
Arthur's sending something
over with his compliments.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Enjoy.
- Nice to see you, Ton'.
- Oh, thank you.
- Gravy's good tonight.
- Mm-hmm.
Nice to see you.
I hope you have
a pleasant evening.
Ladies.
# You woke up
this morning #
# Got yourself a gun #
# Your momma always said
you'd be the Chosen One #
# She said you're...
you're one in a million #
# You've got
to burn to shine #
# But you were
born under a bad sign #
# With a blue moon
in your eyes #
# When you
woke up this morning #
# And all that love
had gone #
# Your papa never
told you about #
# Right and wrong #
# But you're...
you're lookin' good, baby #
# I believe that
you're feelin' fine #
# Shame about it,
born under a bad sign #
# With a blue moon
in your eyes #
- # So sing it now #
- # Woke up this morning #
# Got a blue moon...
got a blue moon in your eyes, yeah #
# Woke up this morning #
# You say you woke up
this morning #
# The world
turned upside down #
# Lordy, well,
things ain't been the same #
# Since the blues
walked in our town #
# But you're... but you're
one in a million #
# 'Cause you got that
shotgun shine #
# Shame about it,
born under a bad sign #
# With a blue moon
in your eyes, yeah #
# Woke up
this morning #
- # Uh-huh #
- # And got yourself a gun #
- # Woke up this morning #
- # Got yourself a gun #
- # Uh-huh #
- # Got yourself a gun. #
What the fuck?
Aw, shit!
So, Bundino,
why you fuck me
like this?
What the fuck you
talkin' about?
I got a whole leg
covered with Neosporin.
I just spent an hour with the cops
explainin' how it went down.
I no forget you
professional criminal.
Let me ask you somethin'.
If I really wanted to rob you,
you think I'd have to put
up with this bullshit?
Well, just so you know.
I didn't take
your truck.
I lost my study guide,
my fuckin' flashcards.
I'm sick of this fuckin'
prejudice against ex-cons.
I never hire you if I no need
Tony Soprano for union.
Not for him, I show
you the fucking window.
Great.
Hey, I thought you
liked the other one.
The Corn Pops.
Here, take it.
What, no juice either?
I told you,
write it down.
I'll have the girl
pick up whatever you want.
She doesn't know the difference between
fruit roll-ups and Pop-Tarts.
I know, everybody's
an idiot to you.
You know they got
these places called supermarkets
where you go, and you buy
the things that you like.
I'll reimburse you.
And when am I
supposed to do that?
Well, as far as I can tell,
you spend most of your time on the phone
or sittin' on the couch perfecting
that pissy look on your face.
Add coming home drunk,
sounds like you.
- What the fuck did you say to me?
- Let the fuck go of me.
Or what?
Or what?
One of these days,
you wait,
I'm gonna kick
your fuckin' ass.
What's wrong with
right now then, huh?
What's wrong with right now?
Come on!
Blah.
Now you got nothin'.
# Angels sent you #
# I've searched
everywhere #
# Just to find someone... #
- Thank you, Mary.
- You're welcome.
I hated to call you in but I got
this midterm report
from Mr. Fiske,
Anthony's English teacher.
And, uh, well, it doesn't hit the mail
for a few days
and I thought maybe
we could get a jump on it
and avert any real crisis.
Wonderful,
another crisis.
He's still well below
the C average
he needs for the colleges
we discussed.
There is also an issue
with his five
paragraph essay.
"Animal Farm"?
Anthony submitted
his one-line topic late.
Then two drafts.
The first was
apparently sketchy.
The second,
Fiske said, was...
"suspiciously cogent."
Plagiarism.
He thinks
my son cheated?
He spent almost an entire Saturday
afternoon at the library.
- I think it's obvious what's going on.
- What do you mean?
Anyone else shows sudden
improvement, he gets a gold star.
My son gets
his act together
and suddenly
he's a cheater?
I know what
people think, Bob.
Italian-American, father
in the carting industry...
Are you suggesting
some sort of bias?
Because that's
a very serious charge.
I have met this Mr. Fiske.
He's a cold fish.
Couldn't you or one
of the other teachers talk to him?
Tell him how hard
AJ's trying?
Nothing will make
a better argument
than continued effort
on AJ's part.
But hey, there...
there's still a shot.
This semester's grade
is heavily weighted on their term paper
- on "Lord of the Flies."
- My stomach is in knots.
That's why I thought it important
that you come in.
Though it...
did take me about an hour
to decide what to wear.
Me too.
Does that mean
you've thought about my dinner offer?
I probably
shouldn't say this
but I have thought
about nothing else since you called.
Well, we can't do justice
to any discussion of "Madame Bovary"
over the phone.
That's the thing though.
That book was way over my head.
Why would you even be interested
in someone like me?
Because of just that.
I mean, who admits this stuff?
Not only are you very attractive,
you're unpretentious,
- you say what's on your mind.
- So a big mouth.
I see how that would
attract a man like you.
So, should we grab
a meal or not?
Well, there are other things
to think about. My husband for one.
Your husband's gonna have to get used
to the idea that your life is moving on.
I'm not worried
about my life.
Oh!
You know what?
Call me naive,
but in this day and age
I don't really think your husband...
if he found out... is going to break
his son's teacher's legs.
Not to mention
how that would play
in the admissions office
at Arizona State.
I don't get it.
What's so funny about that?
Honey, aren't you gonna
eat something?
Janice made lasagna.
It's not so great but you need
something on your stomach.
We're gonna go.
Got to stop at my mother's.
Gwen just told us
how you met.
They let you use
the internet in the can?
They let you
post an ad.
I got to read some of that shit.
I bet it's hysterical.
He's, uh...
trying to concentrate.
"Vascular Physiology."
"Neurotomy."
Shit.
T made it out like
it was a big gym test.
Some people don't realize
what massage involves.
I'm practically doin' two years
of medical school on my own right now.
One thing I learned
in recovery,
other people's
definitions of you,
sometimes they're more
about makin' themselves feel better.
You got to define
yourself.
Keep your eye
on the tiger, man.
- See you, Tony.
- Bye.
I suppose I could speak
with Monsignor Bava,
have him call
his nephew at Kmart.
That'll fix us in
the Huggies department.
Well, the diaper drive
covers "Clothe the naked."
What do you say we
work on "Feed the hungry"?
- This looks delicious.
- Thanks for inviting me, Carm.
Pleasant surprise,
indeed.
So, how goes life
these days?
Actually, I think
I met somebody.
- Really?
- Just kind of happened.
We had been working
on this project together
and suddenly
we both realized
that there were
certain feelings.
And I like him
as a person too, of course.
Don't get me wrong.
The funny thing is,
I was sure he was gay.
He sort of reminded
me of you.
He's an intellectual.
You know what I mean?
Anyway, we had been
friends, I guess,
and then he called
to ask me out.
And suddenly
all the formality dropped away.
When I saw him
the other day,
he looked at me
with this intensity.
Now I know it's wrong,
but the truth is,
I feel it too.
You know, if you really
want to discuss this,
I think we should include Tony
in the conversation as well.
Why are you sounding,
I don't know, kind of hostile?
I'm not.
Perhaps that's
your sin talking.
This is none of
Tony's business.
Who knows what he's been up to, and not
just during the separation either.
That doesn't change the fact you made
a commitment to each other before God.
Maybe you should send the papal nuncio
to Tony and remind him of that.
Why am I the only one held
to any kind of standards?
And for that matter,
if this is wrong,
why did God put
this man in my life?
Is it God that
put him there?
Or is there a particular
need you have right now?
See, I never
understand this.
Didn't He put
the need there?
Say when, seor.
You!
Office!
5:15, I haven't
punched in yet.
This is still
my time.
Yeah?
I give you a hard time
about my truck the other day.
Cops find two kids...
Feel free to apologize
any time.
Anyway, they investigate.
Could be joyride.
But I think maybe
behind it
is my cousin
in the north side.
- You know if they found my books?
- Who knows?
You study hard
for massage, yeah?
The licensing test
is pretty hard.
Huge failure rate.
If you pass, then what
you do with this?
Be a professional masseur.
You no think of
massage "kageh"?
You know,
small sauna.
Yeah, I could see it.
Four or five tables,
soothing atmosphere.
Pipe in a little
Keith Jarrett.
First thing, I get
stuck with you. I think,
"Oh, shit. God damn it.
He lazy American
and criminal.
No good for Kim."
But you work
for Kim and future.
Like Korean people.
I wouldn't say that.
I come from Korea.
Only new shoes
and uncle's address.
Worse than prison.
But I become
"jah-soo-suhng-gah," the boss.
That's why I try
to help you.
Help me how?
What are you talking about?
I stake you the money
in a storefront.
I got a travel agency
in mini-mall over
at West Caldwell.
Shitty business with
a fucking three-year lease.
You know, my daughter,
very interested in massage.
Physical therapy.
Top two-thirds class.
Good for her.
It's a tough nut to crack.
She no like physical
therapy no more.
Cripple people
make her sad.
Now, she watch TV,
live at home, do nothing.
You pass test then you,
me, my daughter,
we make the big
success journey.
Okay?
Jesus.
Yeah, all right.
I don't know
what to say, Kim.
Thanks.
I laid it out for him.
He wants to move back here.
- It's got to be with your approval.
- This was your idea?
It was mutual.
He's upset 'cause you don't get
the kind of cereal he likes.
He threw it in the sink.
How am I supposed to focus
at school with no breakfast?
I got dizzy.
I'm sorry.
I don't see why the two of you
can't work this out
between yourselves.
Well maybe I don't
want to live
in a place where people
use violence against children.
Violence? You're lucky I didn't
put my shoe up your ass.
You see? Now that's abuse.
I know what my rights are.
I can call social services
and they'll send a case worker.
Go ahead!
He'll get the other shoe!
- This is demoralizin'.
- Well, now maybe you see...
That a son of mine would even consider
callin' in the authorities!
- Go ahead, live where you want.
- Fine.
Family meeting?
- Try to stay awake, AJ.
- Keep walkin'.
I just want
my old room back.
You wanted to live with your father.
Live with your decision.
- I don't like it there.
- Funny, I thought I was the problem.
- I make you miserable, remember?
- I never said that.
- You did.
- Absolutely.
For me to even consider
having you back,
we're gonna have to establish
some non-negotiable ground rules.
- Like what kind?
- Let your mother talk.
First and foremost,
school comes first.
That means putting the brakes
on your social life...
parties, phone calls,
Devin.
You are at a crisis point
grade-wise,
so you will make sure that your work
is done on time and correctly.
All right.
I will not tolerate
cursing.
After 16 years of uninterrupted potty
mouth from you people, I get slammed?
This is my house.
You will treat me with respect.
Is that it?
I want you to involve me
in your life a little.
All right, fine.
All right.
Go get your stuff from the car.
We played
that just right.
I think his time
over there with me
whipped him
into shape a little.
Hmm.
I think you'll see
a difference.
Which muscles attach
to the coracoid process?
Okay, I fucking
know this.
It's on the tip
of my tongue.
Oh, fucking study
hall again.
Vito, where the fuck
is my Tupperware?
Keep your shirt on. My wife's bringing
it down this afternoon.
Pectoralis minor
and the coracobrachialis, of course.
And?
- Come on. Even I know this.
- Fuck, fine, what is it?
- Biceps!
- What the fuck?
Oh, fuck, I knew that.
My mind's all over the place.
Fear knocked at the door.
Faith answered.
- There was no one there.
- Why do you want to do this shit?
So you can touch
a bunch a strangers?
You really skeeve
the human body, don't you?
You like this so much,
let me ask you a question.
Why do pissing,
shitting and fucking
all happen within
a two-inch radius?
Everybody asks that, Paulie.
There's no answer for it.
They're all sources
of pleasure, though.
Get the fuck out of here!
I know this shit and then
the next minute it's gone.
I don't know how you
do it working full time.
If your parole
officer's a problem,
give our guy Jimmy Curran a call.
He's a supervisor.
It's not that. It's all this pressure
now that I got this opportunity.
Sungyon Kim, my boss,
he's going to back me on
a whole storefront operation.
The Korean?
You're looking for money,
why not come to me?
Well, this is different.
This self-owned
business shit
is like a religion
to these people.
Plus, the guy sees
something in me.
You know, in some ways,
the whole prison thing
is not that different
from being an immigrant.
Word to the wise:
remember Pearl Harbor.
We really were
the last people in there.
At least they were
subtle about it.
Was it the stacking
the chairs or running the vacuum?
Relax.
Sorry.
"Madame Bovary."
It's a first edition.
Well, Modern Library's
first edition.
Thank you.
That is so sweet.
Honestly, though,
I don't know.
The story's very slow.
Nothing really happens.
I think he could've
said what he has to say
- with a lot less words.
- Outside nothing happens.
But inside she has these extremes
of boredom
and exhilaration.
You should
try it again.
And what a wonderful thing
to have in a den.
You know, you look really
beautiful in this light.
I don't do this a lot.
Do what?
Sitting in a car,
with a man,
not really knowing
what to do,
or if I should at all.
And feeling like
some teenager
which was,
believe it or not...
I have to tell you.
I haven't been
with anyone.
You're a virgin?
This is my
lucky night.
Stop with the jokes.
I'm so glad
you're here.
So, how was it?
Oh, cut it out.
So, what is "Abelard
and Heloise"?
It looks religious.
I just like
to read in there.
It's the classic story.
A 12th century scholar
falls in love with his underage student,
gets her pregnant.
God, in the 12th century?
And they're found out.
And her uncle, the abbot,
has him castrated.
It's timeless, really.
Even though he becomes
a monk and she a nun,
their passion burns on through
these incredible letters
through the rest
of their lives.
You, with these books.
Education should
never stop.
It enriches
all aspects of life.
Hmm, I know.
I wish someone could
convince AJ of that.
I keep thinking he could
start over in college
but who knows if he's even
going to get the chance?
He will.
All our students matriculate.
You got to be fucking kidding me.
No way!
Why do they take so long?
All they have to do
is spit out the results.
5-6-2-4-7-
3-7-32-11.
That's me.
Blundetto.
I'm only authorized
to inform you that your score
meets or exceeds
the required minimum for licensure.
And you're now board
certified in massage
and body work by
the state of New Jersey.
Honey, you passed.
You passed!
Oh Jesus.
I couldn't have
done it alone.
Oh my God,
look at you.
You did it, baby.
You did it.
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
It's been a month since
my last confession.
- Carmela?
- I had sex with that man.
I know we talked
about commitment,
the sacrament
of marriage, but...
I don't know.
- You sound remorseful.
- I am.
I'm also confused,
though.
The truth is I have been
walking around on a cloud,
like Maria in
"West Side Story."
It's not right.
Have you heard of
"Abelard and Eloise"?
I think it's "Heloise."
And from what I remember
it ends badly.
I know, exactly.
But, something in me
has been reawakened.
And even if it never
happens again with this man,
just knowing that
feeling of passion again,
I don't know
if it's ever going to go away.
- I'll need it.
- If it never happens again?
Carmela, I can't
absolve you of a sin
you're going
to continue to commit.
You need to show
resolve,
a firm purpose
to change.
Yeah, I know,
I know.
So, this man takes
you to restaurants,
fulfills certain
physical desires,
tells jokes.
But will he be there
beyond the here and now?
When you're too old
to walk to the bathroom,
will he be there
to help you?
What, and you
think Tony will?
Carmela,
you took a vow.
You both did.
For your penance, I want you
to do something kind for Tony.
- I don't think I can, Father.
- Then pray for him,
not only that God
will touch his heart
but that He'll
touch yours as well.
It's not much now,
but it's a pretty flexible space.
Plus you got the dog
groomer next door
in case your Korean
friend wants some lunch.
You know they
really do eat dogs.
- Not all of them but I asked Kim.
- Jesus Christ.
I'm thinking of building
a row of rooms here
with different themes.
Asian for shiatsu,
a little Danish
thing for Rolfing,
even though technically
it's Swedish.
Well, sounds like
it's all coming together.
Look, Ton', I know
you're disappointed.
What the fuck you
talking about?
The way things turned out
since I left the can.
Going civilian.
Over here I'm going to put
an oasis with big plants.
Like a waiting area
for the customers.
They could buy some
$30 hand cream
while they look at one
of those fountains with the koi in it.
- I can get you the koi.
- Really, giant carp?
How the fuck
do you get that?
It's done. Don't give
it another thought.
- Tony, you here?
- Up front.
Hey. I came by
to get the keys.
I would have gone by the laundry
but my dad's such a hard-on at work.
Tell me about it.
Amanda, this is my cousin Tony.
- Hey.
- Hey, how are you?
Hey, do you believe there's
a dog groomer there
in case somebody
needs a snack?
Place is nice.
A little paint, maybe...
- Amanda, This is my cousin Christopher.
- Hey.
So, I met this guy
at a club on Canal.
He says he can hook
us up with ginseng,
fake rhino, nerve tea,
all that herbal shit.
We could keep it up front
with the koi thing.
- If we're still doing that.
- Koi's taken care of.
Well, I got to book.
Nice meeting you guys.
What's she here for,
happy endings?
She's not going
to do massage at all.
She's Kim's daughter.
She's trying to find herself.
She'll do the books
and shit.
Oh. Nice ass.
Those ceiling tiles
come right out
so I can install
the sound system myself.
Think you could put in a word
with number one daughter there?
- For what?
- Get some of that Kung Pao kootchie.
You fucking guys,
this is important to me.
Sex agrees with you.
You look great.
You're being
discreet, right?
Well, sneaking around
is actually half the fun.
It's like you
have this secret,
you know, you want
to scream to the world.
Yeah, but do yourself
a favor, though, huh?
- Yeah.
- So, how was it?
Uh, I will say that
he took his time.
Oh, you're not
getting off that easy.
Come on, details.
- Hello there.
- Hey, AJ.
Hey, Aunt Ro.
How was school?
It sucked.
Mr. Wegler pulled me
out of language lab
to go over my term
paper notes.
I didn't have
my stuff with me
so he puts his faggy
hand on my shoulder
and says "Do your
best."
That's his job,
to get you into college.
Or maybe he's
just a big homo.
Could be.
I'm making ziti for dinner.
Go start your assignments.
I will call you.
Could I watch
TV first?
Promise me you're
going to work later.
- But you got to help me.
- I will.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, my Jackie.
- Oh, honey.
They never caught those goddamn
Chinks who killed him.
Oh my God.
It hurts.
So I'm finding the other copy
when Gene the actuary
- completely unloads on me.
- Jerk.
Like yelling is going to make me
do anything but screw up more.
You know you have to remember
that when you're the boss.
The boss.
It's amazing, isn't it?
Jerks.
Garbage pails are right there.
Come on.
- Holy fuck!
- What?!
Oh my God,
is it a fetus?
- Oh my God!
- Shh!
- It's crack, or crank maybe.
- They were drug dealers?
Yeah, they were probably thinking
they were being tailed by the cops.
Honey, your parole.
Happy?
Come on.
I have never seen
that much money before.
There's got to be
10-12 grand.
Look at this.
You're doubly blessed.
You're right.
Kim, now this.
I am going
to buy you a ring.
You are the sweetest,
sweetest man.
But you should put
it into the business.
See, I got to start
thinking like that.
It's a learning curve.
Well, it seems
to say here
that this Piggy represents
intellectualism over the physical.
So maybe the eyeglasses
are symbolic.
And that's a good topic
for section two in your outline.
AJ!
Wake up!
I'm not going to do
this by myself.
How are you going
to finish this paper?
It's not going
to write itself.
So now this
so-called bag,
you sure it wasn't
on some old lady's arm?
I can't believe she
thought it was a baby.
People do that shit.
12 grand?
Madonn' mi'.
How many guys you got to jerk off
on a massage table to make that?
I don't know.
What do you charge without the table?
Cristal, gentlemen?
Keep it coming,
honey.
From now on, anytime somebody
steps in a pile a shit,
it'll be known
as a Blundetto.
To the Blundetto!
- Oh, wait.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry.
- I wasn't ready.
# Cross over the river,
beyond every cloud #
# She's past the wind #
# Blowing loud #
# Over the mountain #
# A girl waits for me... #
My God, you scared me.
What are you
doing here?
Jesus.
Nice greeting.
How are you?
Everything okay?
AJ left this
in his room.
Thought he might
need it to turn in.
Did you even
look at this?
Who the hell
is Anne Dunham?
How the hell
should I know?
Well, she's obviously
some girl who was an expert
on "Lord of the Flies"
three years ago.
This is an A-plus paper.
Since when
do you eat duck?
I can't believe
he would do this.
Neither can I, considering how tight
he is with money.
That's not what I meant.
You think he bought this?
God damn it!
Hello?
Hi, I was just laying here
thinking about you.
What are you wearing?
Yes, hello, Mr. Wegler.
I'm afraid now is not a good time.
I'm serious.
I want to know.
Uh, well, yes.
Thank you very much.
I will make sure
that he brings it in.
Okay.
Goodbye, Mr. Wegler.
I made reservations
at that crab place down by the shore.
Dinner and a little
night swimming.
Right, okay.
Thank you.
What did
that fag want?
Jesus Christ, Tony,
everybody's a fag to you.
Maybe you're a fag,
you ever think about that?
Can I help it if I know one
when I see one?
Really? What are the signs...
education, culture?
Sucking a guy's cock
usually tips me off.
How do you know who sucks whose cock?
You got a little secret?
And what do you care,
anyway, if somebody's gay?
It must be some big fear of yours
or you wouldn't talk about it so much.
I forget now. What part of hell
did you say they go to?
Are they with the abortion doctors
or the child molesters?
- That was a long time ago.
- Now you're all open-minded
that you got a couple of friends
that are bologna smokers.
- Right?
- What the fuck are you doing?
Going for a swim.
Would you leave
your goddamn socks here?
Your underpants?
# A girl waits for me. #
Hey, that's some
beautiful suit.
I had to get it.
It went with the shoes.
Whose got those?
Vito's guy?
Vasily's,
custom-made.
Only thing I ever found in the street
is my first wife.
Dealer has 20.
Son of a bitch.
- Whoa.
- I just took a beating at craps.
- How you guys doing?
- Pocahontas here is scalping us.
What's the matter?
Just nothing.
I don't know.
I just keep thinking about AJ
and that girl's paper.
Oh, it's a pretty common thing,
Carm, really.
Honestly, you know, the important thing
is you took a stand.
A lot of parents just take it in stride,
or even condone it.
It's just the cheating,
you know.
It's just not like him.
He's always done his work.
Poorly, a lot
of the time, and late
but he always did it,
he never cheated.
Well, wait.
Didn't I read somewhere
in his record that he stole
a test at Verbum Dei?
Please, no, that was just acting out.
He was with a bad crowd.
They were there to vandalize
the science lab,
but it was locked,
so they stole some tests.
Well, I was
a late bloomer too.
Union college
took a chance on me
because they saw that I had potential,
but I wasn't that mature.
That's all this is.
AJ's just fighting to keep peace
with the kids who seem
further ahead.
You know, you ask me,
I think he was driven to cheating.
It's that-that Mr. Fiske.
He is ridiculous with the pressure.
I mean, how hopeless
would you feel
if you really worked on something
and still got a "D"?
I have been there, Carm.
You're worrying for nothing, I promise.
I have thought
about this all day.
You know I almost called you
from the faculty parking lot.
- Oh, Bob.
- What?
Stop.
Bob, I...
What's the matter?
I can't right now, I'm sorry.
I'm too upset.
Carmela, stay.
What are you doing?
What kind of mother am I?
I mean, look at us.
Do you realize under the laws
of the Church I am still married?
- The Church?
- I can't do this tonight.
- I'm sorry.
- Jesus, Carmela, come on.
# Thrill me, thrill me #
# Walk me down the lane
where shadows will be #
- # Will be, hiding lovers... #
Okay, thanks.
It was a fucking blast.
You sure you don't
want to eat?
Steak and eggs
up by Skyway's.
- Oh, I can't.
- Come on, shut the door.
I'm going to mange then hit the sack
for the next 14 hours.
# They told me be sensible
with your new love. #
Hey, I thought once they move you
upstairs you get to leave early.
No such luck.
Got a second?
The Soprano kid.
How is he doing?
Got his paper yet?
Well, the usual.
Solidly below average.
So what, a "C"?
Well no, that's a little
generous for 10% insight,
- 90% Cliff Notes.
- This is an important class, Tom.
Anything less than a "C" is going
to blow that kid out at Arizona State.
You think it's going
to make a difference?
As dean of college admissions
and head of your department,
I happen to know it's a fact.
He's doing his best.
Well, like my dad
used to say,
"The world needs
ditch diggers too."
Let me ask you something.
How is floating this kid a C-minus
going to fuck things up here?
AJ Soprano's a spoiled lox.
He'd be lucky to go to a trade school.
It's a D-plus.
Tom, cut him a break.
So what does it mean to the kid
who really breaks his ass in here
if Fredo Corleone can get a "C"
'cause you asked?
Is that what this is about?
His background?
Good night.
I'll be working
over at the place.
That's good dedication.
Way to go.
See, regular people
need a place to relax too.
They can't just hop on a plane
to the Bahamas, right?
Hey, guys, what do you think
of Daddy's business?
Jason, Justin,
I'm talking to you.
- I like it.
- Yeah, it's nice.
Maybe someday when
this thing takes off
you guys can work here,
like as a summer job or something.
Would you like that?
Working with your old man?
Sure.
All right,
put those away.
You got to do your homework
before I take you back
or your mom's going
to kill me.
Mom says we need helmets
to ride the scooters you got us.
We'll stop
at Sports Authority.
- Come on, do your homework.
- Where?
I don't know.
Here, on the floor over there.
Hold it like this.
Ready? Ha!
- That was fast.
- I took a shortcut.
You ever think
of painting that ceiling?
Maybe.
How about a glow-in-the-dark
solar system
like I had in college?
- I was thinking blue, maybe.
- Mm.
You know, like when you stick
your hand in the Caribbean.
Oh, yeah.
Do you think Union College
is a good place for AJ?
I don't know.
It could be.
You know, maybe
you could tell them
how he's a lot like you were
when you were his age.
That's a thought.
So have you ever
been to the Caribbean?
Yeah, Barbados once,
years ago.
- Oh, it was beautiful.
- Yeah, it is.
Maybe you could bring up
the fact that he has ADD,
because it's not
the stigma it once was.
That's true.
It isn't.
Where are you going?
Mmm.
Faculty lunch, right?
Patty D'Amico
brought them.
What's the matter,
you okay?
Maybe we should
take a time out.
What?
Really, why?
Because every time I think about putting
the arm on Tom Fiske
I want to poke my eyes out
with a knitting needle.
What does that
have to do with us?
I just think
we should, uh...
not do this.
Oh... no, no.
Here tell me.
I don't know any other way
to put this.
I've been
thinking and...
I don't know, I...
I think you're
a user, Carmela.
What?
Maybe you saw
an opportunity in me
and you just took
what you needed.
Oh, that is not true.
I am here because
I enjoy being with you.
It-it was wonderful,
in fact.
Yeah, it was.
I mean, it is, I know.
How could asking someone you're
with for help be using them?
That's what people do.
Bob, this hurts.
Oh my.
Oh, my stomach. I feel sick.
You strong-armed me using
the only weapon you have... your pussy.
How dare you talk
to me that way?
Okay, let's pretend you don't
know what I'm talking about.
I don't. Of course I don't have
a fucking master's degree.
Leaving me with a massive
hard-on the other night then practically
attacking me sexually
after you got what you wanted.
You know what, Bob?
You are fucked up.
You need help,
you know that?
What a fucking idiot I am!
Take it easy.
Believe it or not,
I thought you cared about me.
- I thought you should know how I feel.
- Fuck you!
You better
watch your step.
Jesus Christ,
it's 4:00 A.M.
Okay, boys,
hands on the table.
Full boat.
Jesus Christ.
- Three fucking jacks over here.
- You just keep jacking, my friend.
- That's it for me. Tapioca.
- You blew the whole 12 grand?
What, are you stupid?
I got $400 left.
I punch-in
in two hours.
There's no sense
going home.
Oh, fuck.
Hello?
- Hey, hon, I'm over at your mom's.
- Great.
Roadway Express delivered
five massage tables.
There?
They had that address by mistake.
I told them
to deliver here.
They're still in the boxes.
I looked inside though.
They're pretty spiff.
That Salamanca fabric was worth it.
- It's like leather almost.
- Great.
- What's the matter?
- This shit gives me a headache,
details
and all that stuff.
Oh you. It's no big, for gosh sake.
We'll get Rudy's truck.
- Maybe I have a brain tumor.
- Honey, you don't.
I got this headache in my jaw.
I read it in "Time" magazine.
It's really not
that likely, Jeez.
I got to get back to the painting
or I'll never get out of here tonight.
I am so fucking sick and tired of your
gambling and complaining.
I've got a headache!
When I think of me
waiting outside that prison
for you to come out
I want to vomit.
I am sick!
I'm evil...
Hey, Henry Ford.
Big entrepreneur.
I like color.
My friend Pak come by?
Fix the toilet?
It's not fixed.
He's got to get a fucking part.
Oh, Pak,
he good plumber.
Right over here,
Wes-a Calwell.
"Wes Cahwel, Wes Cahwel."
West Caldwell.
So, partner,
we open in three day, huh?
You fucking stroll in?
- I'm over here busting my fucking ass!
- You fucking crazy!
I work in your fucking laundry
all fucking day!
You fucking scam artist!
Fuck.
Ah!
The pole is bent.
Somebody been
punching this door?
If you had a man around
you wouldn't need to call me.
Yeah, right.
You're still young, Mel,
a good-looking woman.
There's no reason
you shouldn't move on with your life,
if that's what you want.
Well, there actually
was somebody.
And he seemed
very nice.
Oh, that's good.
He was a wolf
in sheep's clothing.
He made all these accusations
about my character.
Whatever I say,
whatever I do,
because I was married
to a man like Tony,
my motives will always
be called into question.
Well.
Hey.
Sit down.
You want something?
What did you do?
My back.
Fucking job.
A work-related injury.
So, here's the thing.
You mentioned you might need someone
to run the swag airbags.
Bring me a vodka rocks
and get me some kind
of a cushion, will you?
What happened with
the massage parlor?
It's hard doing
business with strangers.
# I got a heart
full of trouble #
# A house full of sin #
# Things are bad
as they ever been #
# If trouble were money #
# I'd have more money
than any man should #
# I'm open for business
in your neighborhood #
# The blues is my business
and business is good #
# If I had a dollar
for every broken heart #
# I'd be drinking fine wine
and eating caviar #
# If trouble were money #
# I'd have more money
than any man should, yeah #
# I'm open for business
in your neighborhood #
# The blues is my business
and business is good, yeah #
# Business
and business is good #
# The blues is my business
and business is good #
# The blues
is my business #
# The blues
is my business #
# I'm open for business
in your neighborhood #
# The blues is my business
and business is good #
# All right #
# Oh, all right,
yeah #
# Hey, hey,
hey, hey. #